Haven't been writing anything here for ages. Anyway i was thinking whether i should abandon this place since most of the time when i'm here i'm just writing some nonsensical stuff that doesn't well make sense to even myself, sadly. Promos are over. Like finally. The days when mugging till late nights are over. At least for a moment like this. I have no idea what am i thinking when i was trying to finish the papers. Going emotional while writing an analysis on my Lit poem and subsequently getting Barry reading my script, then the same too while trying to write up a cliche story for my Zuo Wen, which subsequently got stared at by my chinese teacher too. Gawwd, just what am i doing trying to screw up my nights of efforts (not that i put in any effort for lit and chinese anyway). And then felt like crying in the middle of the screwed up Chem paper, just cause i knew i could have done everything without the presence of any time limit. Lost about 30 marks for maths, my best bet's the method marks already. Basically promos can be summed up as messed up at the wrong time, thinking about the wrong things at the wrong time. Everything's just wrong.

Now, i'm trying to not feel empty. Even despite the fact that i have a game to play, but my heart still feel empty. Sometimes i really wish i'd matter more, more of everything. But often i'm being drowned out by this refusal of being accepted. So what is it that i really want? I long for this closeness. But is this what i am able to get? Even so, at the end of it all it won't mean anything unless of course this closeness further develops into something. The things that i long for are often hard to get, but yet there aren't much such things that i need. Just that little bit perhaps, or actually more. I want more, i'm willing to work for it, but is this what i'm able to get? After all, it's not up to me to decide at all isn't it? After all, i'm in no position to even say what i want, because i'm just a nobody perhaps.

Sometimes i think, i look, i look and i think. Then i realised i'm thinking what i'm looking at. At that very moment, i'm actually looking into what i'm thinking. And this cycles continues, not knowing what has even taken place, i just. break. apart.

And i try to pick myself up, realising no one will stop to even look at me. And it continues to rain-outside, in my head, in my heart. And everything seemed so slow, because i've no idea what i'm thinking or trying to do to even feel something.

I feel like going to school tomorrow to just sit and not doing anything, letting the busyness of the school diffuse into me and thus let these thoughts diffuse out. Or maybe even going to JP alone just walking around aimlessly. Maybe i need someone, to just fill my heart. And hopefully that person is able to.

If you were here.

Labels: Exams, Thoughts

Terms are finally over, like omg finally>_> It ended with an hour filled with mind-blowing lit essay, which i didn't mention any literary techniques (fancy calling myself a lit student). So gonna flunk it XD

"This is the worst exam of my life!"

Wonder who said that, was it cheryl or was it jas. x.x Anyway, i so totally agree with that, omg. I've never felt so helpless in any exams before. Like totally dunno what to do, how to do and what am i doing. Like seriously?.. And i guess it has got to be the worst prepared exam i ever went for in my life, maybe cause i've been slacking way too much :x But ahh, i hope i just pass them all, like just pass, i can't wish for anything more. I'm scared.

Self entertained myself with MRC night walk videos like after exams though was intending to have an hour of sleep before going home until i met yi wei>_> He on-ed the mac for me and so i guessed i watched like loads of entertaining videos, including how retarded the MRC promo video was :x 19 more days before handover, i felt like we're still not very prepared for handover yet, especially in terms of skills and stuff (We can't even fix our own stuff like the mac to speakers and internet in the room), how on earth are we gonna fix stuff like LT system hahaha. And i went to check my oral schedule, it's like freaking 10 days from now and i haven't been speaking much chinese, woah shit like ttly. I'm scared.

Relationships are fragile. I'm not saying this cause something happened to me but rather someone close to me. Even love can't bond 2 person together, what can i say? Sometimes the truth is just a lie and forever runs out of time. When someone promises you to be with you forever and ever, the irony lies in what happens a year or 2 later. Forever just dun apply anymore. It's quite sad actually, 2 years of relationship ending just like this, like a word of goodbye, with "Okay." marking the end of all of it. I feel sad for my friend, or at least i'm being affected by this sudden event that took place in this person's life. And i can't seem to do anything to help, just hope that it'll all be okay for him, like how the sun still shines after the shower. I'm scared.

It made me fear the impending future. Because i don't know what's gonna happen, even if i choose to follow what i call my instinct, more of my feelings. Everyone have their own fears to overcome, for me, it's the fear of the future, cause i don't know what it holds for me. What happens today builds tomorrow, but at the same time, i'm afraid that today destroys my tomorrow. Tell me what to do, someone. I'm lost in the never ending possibility of what's gonna happen. Even if you know what's gonna happen will break your heart, your life, will you still continue to do what you believe in? For once, i thought it was a definite yes, but now, it all changes, i'm unsure. Not sure of what i possibly define as love, as beautiful, as forever, as the person that'll be with me for life. It's only a matter of time, that i'll feel lost again. Give me strength, for you are the compass of my life. I'm scared.

I don't know what's right and wrong
not anymore.

Labels: Exams, Fear, Scared

The worst thing in an exam is not for the fact that you need to study through late nights to remember all your facts, not that feeling or nervousness before and during the exam, not that you felt tired, not the sadness that ever so often engulf you, but it's when you find that you had screwed things up so badly that you just want to break down, that you want the whole world to pause right before your eyes, that you hope everything had been in your control, that you are sick to the stomach and wants to stop moving on, but you just know you can't. It's the worse feeling ever. Because the world doesn't revolve you, you revolve around the world and just when you feel like you are at your worst, there isn't a shit you can do about it but let time carry you through the examination period.

You must be wondering why am i saying all these, it's not because i screwed up anything, it's just dawned on me that such terrible things really do happen in the exams, what's more it's the 'O's that we are talking about. Sometimes, i feel exams are ever so unnecessary in our lives. What do it bring, nothing but disappointment, perhaps tears and some joy if you find joy in scoring for exams. I mean so what if you really did score well for the exams? So wad.. It just probably meant that you are lucky for this time round, so does this luck have the ability to determine one's future? I seriously don't know.

Labels: Exams