Haven't been writing anything here for ages. Anyway i was thinking whether i should abandon this place since most of the time when i'm here i'm just writing some nonsensical stuff that doesn't well make sense to even myself, sadly. Promos are over. Like finally. The days when mugging till late nights are over. At least for a moment like this. I have no idea what am i thinking when i was trying to finish the papers. Going emotional while writing an analysis on my Lit poem and subsequently getting Barry reading my script, then the same too while trying to write up a cliche story for my Zuo Wen, which subsequently got stared at by my chinese teacher too. Gawwd, just what am i doing trying to screw up my nights of efforts (not that i put in any effort for lit and chinese anyway). And then felt like crying in the middle of the screwed up Chem paper, just cause i knew i could have done everything without the presence of any time limit. Lost about 30 marks for maths, my best bet's the method marks already. Basically promos can be summed up as messed up at the wrong time, thinking about the wrong things at the wrong time. Everything's just wrong.

Now, i'm trying to not feel empty. Even despite the fact that i have a game to play, but my heart still feel empty. Sometimes i really wish i'd matter more, more of everything. But often i'm being drowned out by this refusal of being accepted. So what is it that i really want? I long for this closeness. But is this what i am able to get? Even so, at the end of it all it won't mean anything unless of course this closeness further develops into something. The things that i long for are often hard to get, but yet there aren't much such things that i need. Just that little bit perhaps, or actually more. I want more, i'm willing to work for it, but is this what i'm able to get? After all, it's not up to me to decide at all isn't it? After all, i'm in no position to even say what i want, because i'm just a nobody perhaps.

Sometimes i think, i look, i look and i think. Then i realised i'm thinking what i'm looking at. At that very moment, i'm actually looking into what i'm thinking. And this cycles continues, not knowing what has even taken place, i just. break. apart.

And i try to pick myself up, realising no one will stop to even look at me. And it continues to rain-outside, in my head, in my heart. And everything seemed so slow, because i've no idea what i'm thinking or trying to do to even feel something.

I feel like going to school tomorrow to just sit and not doing anything, letting the busyness of the school diffuse into me and thus let these thoughts diffuse out. Or maybe even going to JP alone just walking around aimlessly. Maybe i need someone, to just fill my heart. And hopefully that person is able to.

If you were here.

Labels: Exams, Thoughts