Deep raw feelings tonight.

Because thinking about it tonight makes me not able to sleep, so I decided to wake up to post my thoughts before attempting to sleep again.

Today, Cheryl asked why did I want to quit MRC initially, I thought for it for an hour just now and realise I really couldn't sleep with everything just going round and round.

For one, I wasn't in exco. It was as though a slap in my face telling me my current level of commitments wasn't even enough to put me on the main comm, as good as saying whatever I've been doing isn't recognised and what's the point if I put in even my all for the next few months to come. That's when I really thought I lost my passion for what I was doing, partly because I was expecting something in return and that something never came. If you question my commitment, you're questioning the whole of my character, you're better off killing me.

Two days before the handover, I overheard something I shouldn't hear because I was lying down on the sofa and seemingly no one seems to realise I was there and conversations just took place. I also received news that made me quiet for the whole day. The fact that they'd rather combine Treasurer and Welfare rep with another role than making me one, reason being because it wasn't needed, akin to saying I wasn't needed. It was so bad that even when my friend who knew about it tried to cheer me up for the whole day, it didn't help, even if it means to say we're in this together because we've got nothing to our name. Behind the scenes, people were fighting for me, only I were this touched that I cried in the room and became closer to these people. That's why I never blamed Mohd for always dumping loads of shitty work on me, at least I knew he appreciated what I've done, but recently, it's becoming unbearable and I just try my best to avoid him.

Thirdly, if I were to be a normal member, I'd better off a normal member somewhere else. The options to other CCA were still open, like I could possibly go back to SGC and fully devote my time to it since I've learnt basic bidding before, at least there was a chance for me to play in competitions or I could have gone back to my old trade, Robotics because I see no reason why they would reject someone whose ever gotten an excellence award in World Robotics Olympaid with ready programming skills. Or I could have gone into frisbee where I just play my life away, even though training would have been tough, at least it pays off physically.

If I couldn't stand RFT's face, I would be long gone.

But I guess what kept me in MRC were... bffs to a certain extent. Maybe for a start, they were probably the only ones who'd noticed I was really upset and actually bothered to ask and comfort me initially? For the most part of it, I guess, it was because I got closer to Guin and somehow, that kept me going in the CCA because I thought it was the only way I could possibly see her every now and then. She quit theatre in a spur of a moment and I only realised later that she belonged to the stage not the backstage. Maybe it all shouldn't have turned out this way and so we don't even talk anymore then.

I still vividly remember Jas asking me whether is it that hard to have passion for MRC during the Nov camp. After I've gone through the things before, I've come to believe that passion is actually nothing compared to what I've been through. I can have passion but if disappointment kicks in over and over again, there's nothing pulling you back, the rubber band will snap. Maybe that's why I was so devastated because there weren't any other reasons to stay on now that bffs were a thing of the past and that people do drift when you don't make a conserted effort to keep friendships going. I've came to yet another crossroad of very indecisive paths.

I think I have a very good memory for things that happen to me. I could like remember almost every little details of events or at least those milestones in my life.

Maybe if RFT had became the president instead, I wouldn't be so worried and might have really left then.

Major events upon major events, I gave myself another reason to stay. The thought that lingers 'Just one more.','I'd be gone after Seniors' Night.' Before I knew, orientation came and it was all too late. Somehow, my promotion always felt as though it was a substitute for RFT, only because he was gone, then there was a chance to fill in the gap, I think possibly he saw me as a threat and that's why deleted me off his facebook.

The least I could do in my position is perhaps to prevent another 'me' in the j1s to the best of my abilities.

If I didn't stay, what would have been a crew of 6?

Sometimes just thinking of it is so overwhelming and makes it hard for tears not to fall, after all, no one will see your tear streaked face in the dark.

Labels: MRC