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Tuesday, January 20, 2009
20th Jan 2009
I have lots of inspiration to start this post but i dunno where to start. Maybe, there are some ppl out there who wants to know what are my choices, just maybe.
1st : ACJC. 2nd : AJC. 3rd : SP (Human Resource Management with Psychology) ... ... And the list goes on. I guess there's not a need for me to cont. writing my choices since by the third i will get in. yes, at this moment while u are reading this, u might find me hypocritical, Why would one that keep saying he hates a school so much wants to go to that school. I feel for everything i did i do for a reason, and i feel there's not a need for me to explain myself cause i dun see the need to. It's a long and boring story anyway, so if u are a friend dun ask me. Perhaps, crying is part of that decision making, maybe this will make u stop probing. Afterall i feel i no longer need to be accountable to anybody. I saw this person making fun of another on the facebook wall. Saying how this person used to be short. But that's not the point. i think it's better to start growing later physically cause somehow the later u develop or rather start your puberty, somehow u end up taller. While i'm comparing this effect of growing up sooner or later, it got me thinking does that mean the same mentally? The maturity of the mind. I really feel it's likewise same as growing up physically. It's really better to mature later. Because u get to enjoy what's left of a child's innocent. I remember when i was a boy, i could do anything funny and not cared abt how ppl thinks, but when i grew up to be a teen, i realised i threw all of my innocent thoughts, words and deeds, and just restrain myself in anything i did. Then i found out that that wasn't my true self that i wanted to show others, it's just cause what the world expects me to do, that's why i'm doing it.. I really wanna say what the world feels about you should not be what you feel about yourself )): they may say 101 things but ultimately it's you and you yourself that truly matters. Coincidence is such an amazing thing that leaves you wonder why at the end of it all. Went in audi for the first time in weeks. And then i thought there was no one online when i first saw the messenger, then after one game she was online..zz. It's wonderful how this world works that makes us at the end wonders what on earth have just happened... Anw, i just said how do u know i'm talking abt you? lol, then u started saying No arh? Omg=__= It's a question not a statement.. Sometimes assuming is often close to judging but i guess judge is likely more serious than assuming cos u put a sentence on a person. Just like how a judge'd convict a criminal, while assuming is only within oneself, is more like something like i thought u were etc etc.. You know i rather cry for you than knowing that you cry. Like srsly srsly. At least i'm able to do sth for a friend like you than just watching you, not knowing what i can do for you. At least helping you cry, i made you less tired, less weary of having to go through the action of crying. But come to think of it the action of crying acatually relieve oneself. It makes you released all those that u kept inside of yourself. No matter what, i feel there's a maximum capacity one can take and there's only this much i can do for a person, the rest i guess it's really up to oneself. Afterall, i can never comprehend how one feels when he/she is in a certain situation cause i will never have been the the exact same situation as him/her. Maybe i may have been once in a similar situation but never the congruent. On a side note, i'm looking foward to K at Kbox cineleisure tmrw and buffet at sakura XD The cannot sing Hua is gonna SING TMRW!!! haha.. well, the only thing i wanna say is my life have been filled with 1001 at least i tried, well as a matter of fact, trying is better than siting there and not doing anything because it's only when u try, will then u know the result, whether does it ends u up crying or jumping for joy. Still i wanna encourage those people out there who tried to do things they've never done before. Because sometimes it really takes a lot of courage to do so.. And the person i wanna mention is the guy who's been taking 33 with me for 4 years!Haha>_< really admired your courage to pursue your dreams(: I wanna see my rainbow after this heavy downpour in my life. Afterall, you may be the best fish in the pond, but never the best in the ocean. May the heavy downpour carry you to the ocean. All the best in the JC that u are pursuing. A fullstop i guess. Labels: Belief, Childish-ness, Choice, Coincidence, Courage, Feeling., Supress |
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Wednesday, October 1, 2008
The End
It's over. All over. How should i say this? Perhaps, i need a public and private blog seperately, where only the people whom i most trust will have a key to... She wouldn't visit my blog anymore, so that means i could have my freedom of speech back?But still, I will try and set up one soon, when i have the time. 19 days to 'O' level, make it or break it. It's over between us. We can't be together. I'm not fortunate enough to be someone who could guard you for the rest of your life. I guess, it's time to leave the job to someone else to do it. 29092008, a day where i lost a friend. A close one. Because of comments by people, perceptions of people, i'm NOT able to continue to let this relationship remain stagnant to after 'O' levels when i will deal with it. I have to let go now, to make this a better environment for her to study, to make people to STFU, to make immature people grow up, to make myself get hurt. Yes, it's because of the existence of immature people in this world that have caused things to be awkward between us. Perhaps if all this had happened in the university, people would act more mature and not disturb the matters of the heart. Cause when not dealt with properly, it could lead to serious consequences. It's ironic how people who always say " can you all please grow up?" turns out to be the people who are immature about such matters-relationships. I'm thoroughly disappointed in these people, because i thought they are the ones who are more "grown up" in the sense, but still you can't judge a person by his appearances. Even actions. Now that i'm not even friends with her, you people who shouted during the CCA commendation service are happy already isn't it? Cause you have just caused awkwardness between 2 person who just want to be friends, subsequently removed the possibility of them being even friends. Aren't you all happy. Those that commented on my blog, aren't you happy now that it's because of your comments, that you made me feel so bad that i chose to give up? To the world, aren't you happy that i lost my meaning in life? Aren't you? "Life is all about the i tried to do"-Qin Lu's msn nick But the fact is i tried my very best. I did all i could to try and make her erm like me. But somehow things don't always go the way you want it to be. It always have an adverse effect in which you didn't expect it to be. It's like i don't want all this to end, but i had to. During chapel yesterday, there was this story. About a blind lady whose husband has died. And so she's to be admitted into a nursing home, one in which i never hope to end up in. And so the nurse led her to her room and starts describing the room to her and the nurse asked, are you happy with your room? The blind lady said, " even though i'm blind and all. I woke up each day telling myself to be happy no matter what the circumstances are. It's not about being happy or what, it's about i tried to be happy each day." I don't know if i remembered the story correctly but that's the brief outline. Urhm, yes. Currently, if i tell you that i'm alright, i'm happy, i think it would just prove that i'm such a bad liar. i'm not okay, definitely not now. i can't really smile. The thought of suicide never fail to cross my mind whenever i start thinking about all these. Up to the point i got so close holding a knife near my wrist, but i just don't have the courage to face all these, neither do i have the same courage to kill myself. But if this goes on, i'm not even sure. As i was on my way to suntec city on sunday, i heard this from some passer-by. "If anyone would want to die, he wouldn't choose to die at home." I mean it doesn't sound logical to die in the comfort of your home isn't it? All that i realised now is that it takes a lot to take one's life away from him/herself. It takes just too much. And i prayed for the first time in my life, to erm the christian god in the sense== Cause i was scared, i was afraid, that i lost my sense of meaning for my existence in this world, that i would choose the easiest way out- to die. But well, a blind lady could choose to live on though her husband has died, why couldn't i? Still contemplating. On monday, i was actually wondering how much i have meant to her even as a friend. So then i told her it's best that she's no longer even my friend to prevent me from having false hopes, since it was made so awkward that we could hardly greet each other and that it's easier for her to say his no longer my friend when people continues to disturb. But orh wells, if erm i'm a friend she really wants to keep, she would want to be a friend at the very least. but it disappoints me somehow. This also proves that reverse psychology doesn't always work. Since i meant so little to her, since a 2 year+ friendship is worth just so "much", i'm simply disgusted. What it means to betray. be·tray –verb (used with object) 1. to deliver or expose to an enemy by treachery or disloyalty: Benedict Arnold betrayed his country. 2. to be unfaithful in guarding, maintaining, or fulfilling: to betray a trust. 3. to disappoint the hopes or expectations of; 4. to reveal or disclose in violation of confidence: to betray a secret. 5. to reveal unconsciously (something one would preferably conceal): Her nervousness betrays her insecurity. 6. to show or exhibit; reveal; disclose: an unfeeling remark that betrays his lack of concern. 7. to deceive, misguide, or corrupt: a young lawyer betrayed by political ambitions into irreparable folly. 8. to seduce and desert. If these are the real meanings of betray, then i must say i feel betrayed by her. Look at point 3 and 6 and you might further understand better. Her indifferent remark betrays her lack of concern. I learnt a new word today== Anyway, this was taken off from Mr. Sim's blog, kinda of weird-.- Why would anyone want to betray him, but anyway if i hadn't visited, i wouldn't have realised the real meaning of betray. I feeeeel betrayed!!!!!!== * screams out loud * How should i deal with betrayal then? I really dunno since this new meaning of the word just fell on me. She once said, "i would only hate a person if the person like betray me". So are you telling me that i should be angry at you now? Whatever. After all these, i just want to say, yw, i hope my wishes for you will always be with you when i'm no longer able to care for you I hope that ... 1. you will be happy always. 2. you will not be bothered by stress or anything. 3. you will find the guy of your dreams to protect you. 4. you will score well for your 'O' levels. 5. you will have friends who will stay by you even at your worst. 6. you will be healthy always instead of falling sick every now and then. 7. you will never betray another person again (as of the meaning in 3 and 6). 8. you will no longer be chor lor (according to what you said). 9. there will no longer be anyone who will disturb you. 10.you will still remember there will be someone here for you whenever you needs him. =to be continued=  Rejected and alone  Sweetest suicide. Meaningful quote "To take a photograph means to recognize – simultaneously and within a fraction of a second– both the fact itself and the rigorous organisation of visually perceived forms that give it meaning. It is putting one’s head, one’s eye, and one’s heart on the same axis." [Henri Cartier-Bresson] - French Photographer Orh wells i need some pictures ;x I need my head, my eye and my heart to be on the same axis. ---- Tags replied Kwee Ong: Hi. I am the son of the 2 mofos. please accept me.KWEE RAWKZ. Lol.. i'm not gay and since when kwee and bong.. orh wells-.- Bryan & Kwee: Lots of love from us to you, all the best for your relationship Are you really Kwee and Bryan. If so thanks, if not.. I'm simply speechless. Maturity: get real with yourself. know whats the difference between infatuation and love. I don't need someone to remind me again. intelligence: haha just jking, dun take it to heart I'm a serious person, i can't take too many jokes, i hope there won't be more of your "jokes" Hua's Helper: I don't think those are heartfelt comments. Please stop spamming on Hua's blog. I don't know who you are but still i hope you are helping because you really want to help me, and not act. If so i thank you, if not.. i also don't know what to say intelligence: if you're smart go focus your energy on studying instead of putting up anime porn on ur blog and dreaming over her If you call this porn, i think you need to perhaps relearn eng, or maybe it seems to you that it is. I can focus at the same time while i dream. love: its when you like-like-like someone. the only way to see if you really love someone is to see if theres a pen on the floor. Don't get what you mean by if there's a pen on the floor Faith: When you believe in something, stick to it till death Faith isn't just all about talk, it's all about showing. Courage: If you wanna go do something, go do it all the way. If only i have all the courage in the world, i wouldn't have given up. Labels: Childish-ness, Choice, Confusion, Love, Quotes, Wish |
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Tuesday, April 15, 2008
14th April 2008
Early in the morning went to school and was asked by Ms Mano to meet her during recess. At first actually wondered what happened but well it was for oral and somemore need to meet her for the whole week >.< But at least can improve my oral, cause i can't seem to speak very well. If only i was a fluent speaker.. Then i would have no problems with speeches and stuff but well, i guessed this kind of thing can't be help.
During Chem, Ms Liang changed my seat =( Sian larh, now the 3 musketeers have to be seperated totally from each other XD Kinda of sad, but then it's only for Chem and Phy =P Guessed i just have to bear with it, the boring-ness of the lessons without the accompany of friends around you. It can't be help yet again. We were actually called back for CCA. We refers to Clement, Kester and me. Called back cause they dunno what to do with the Sec 1s i guessed. Got pretty disturbed by some smart guy who somehow thinks that he knows everything in the world. Just cause he is merely brushing against the surface of the water doesn't mean that he knows everything. Really, is it really fun to make fun of someone's love for another person. I mean this kind of things would normally only be something that Primary school children do, unless of cause you are telling me that he is one. I mean this kind of thing is really based on how matured your mind is. At the way he said such things and tried to expose it to the whole world, it only clearly comes to show how mature this particular person is. Of cause, i'm not saying i'm very matured, in fact, i can be childish at times, but well at least we are now in Sec 4s, we should at least show the basic courtesy of not trying to poke into other's businesses, unless as a friend. But since when am i a friend to him? This can be pretty much shown in the way he teased at me in Taiwan. Was it really funny? I think the only thing that i could have done was to ask him to grow up. I got my revenge soon after. Not by force, not by conspiring, but by chance. Jumped into a pool of water unintentionally (Well, it's rainning cats and dogs) and splashed it all over his body, at least i think this kind of thing is like kind of a retribution for trying to make things difficult for me. At least i've got the courage to admit it, not like you. At the same time, i also hoped that one day i might be able to tell her in person, " i love you!", at least after that i might have no other regrets cause that's the only thing that holds me back all this while. The rain never fails to bring me back great memories of Rainer, our Ex-Vice President. Having him around is like makes life more fun. At least for a bit. But it rained with a freaking setting SUN!!! Rain and Sun don't go together. Just like me and her, but since we were never meant to be together, why in the first place, there seems so much of false hopes lying around.. So much so that i hardly is able to let go of this should i say relationship? Tried to keep cheerful people around me, so at least the atmosphere is not so down. Laughed when they laughed. But is never the same as you did it naturally without much hesitation. The feeling of rain against the skin. How i wished i could walked in the rain without a care whether i will be sick the next day. How i wished the 2 pesons under the umbrella would be me and her. The dull atmosphere in the air around evening time. It brought my mood down for a while. It's something that yet again can't be help. Actually i should be grateful for having a shelter over my head, but then it seems that i'm grumbling over things that most people won't want to happen and i want it to happen. Walking in the rain isn't what most people wants, at least the getting wet part prevents them from doing so. Certainly, in life there's lots of things that can't be held but then think of it this way, there are 2 ways things can't be help. One which is because of the environment and two is cause of what you did and led to other consequences. I guess mostly mine's the first, things that i can't seem to be able to do a thing about. Labels: Childish-ness, Rain |
