"I don't know why, if there's a teacher I'll remember for the good things in this school, she's the one."
It's not as if she did anything spectacular to us but it's like somehow her never-give up on our class spirit has always been there despite all the nonsense we gave her. I wasn't even half upset about my results and actually was thinking about losing her and her unlike my heartless classmates -gasp-. I'm glad she's glad and I swear the new Chem tutor is gonna get us all killed(or at least she's gonna kill us all first). Mr Chan, save me. I'm actually quite upset about all these and all I could say is the school really sucks and I'm never (if I ever have the chance) gonna send my kids to this school.

Why is it that we only cherish things only when they're gone and complain way too much about them when they're still around and at it. I've been contemplating over this for the whole weekend already and I figured it's part and parcel of human nature, it's something I couldn't possibly consciously tell myself that I could get over and done with.

I've been reflecting a lot on what went wrong and everything. Then, I realised the most scary part is that I don't quite know where I'm going wrong at (after practising a thousand times for Chem and Math), I still don't quite know where I'm lacking in. Still, I couldn't half believe that I left a 10 marks qn in Case study blank and didn't finish 2 essays, maybe that's why I failed. Well, at least I had more ticks in my answers this time rather than the last time, shows that I'm thinking and really it's a good improvement, or so I would like to think. It's a bit like stop kidding yourself even though everyone in the world may console you and say it's okay, but deep down inside you know it's not even half okay and you wouldn't tell anyone the misery you face because misery aren't supposed to be told outright to anyone. And think of it, who the hell goes up to people telling them about their misery. You may just look pathetic and all and maybe trying to gain sympathy out of it all. So, someone hear me now.

I've have been indulging myself in Secondhand Serenade songs which I conveniently downloaded the whole new album off the net and it gets increasingly angsty with it playing in the background when I'm still trying to figure out what's wrong. The whole reason behind the band name was quite interesting though and I never bothered to find out until now.

Is there anybody out there
Am I swimming through this empty sea alone,
Am I looking for an answer,
or am I trying to find a way to get back home,
Is there anybody out there,
Would you hear me if I screamed or if I cried,
I am looking for an answer,
And just trying to find a way to survive,
a way to survive,
and I am holding on.

This is why I get all angsty at night. Also, I've been watching excessively amount of TV to the point I on and off my comp 3 times because I want to blog but I'm too lazy watching TV and not bothering..

I drank myself to sleep on Friday. I like the warm feeling of alcohol burning in your throat cause it makes you feel warm on the inside even though it's a cold world outside filled with cold people. And it's a generally known principle in my life that I won't bother about people that aren't worth bothering about and being nice to people who aren't nice to me in the first place.

Yesterday, I was at the top of the world (literally). 70th floor above ground level and I wasn't quite feeling anything. I feel so disappointed at myself for not being able to do anything whenever I'm so overwhelmed. The roof top of the IR looked vaguely like a ship though.

If there's one thing that makes me happy, it's sweet stuff.

Labels: Agony, Secondhand Serenade

I broke down and cried in school today, first time in my life.

I guessed it after all.

Whatever i've done comes to nothing. Perhaps it's time i realise i'm such a fool slogging for nothing.

And to whoever, stop fuckingly kick ppl, you think you can do anything, but in my eyes, you're nothing more but a jerk.

It's only two people that holds me back now. If i lose anyone of them, i've lost it all.

At the end, it boils down to nothingness.
I've got to do what i've wanted to do before i truly give up.

Labels: Agony

Back to school, back to life. Been asked to go back on the 12th and 19th of May for robotics. What enthusiasm these people shown, pushing everything to me even though i already did so much. Actually to be frank, at times i felt disappointed in people, humans, yes humans, because things just seem so unpredictable with them, anything could happen. We-Glen,Kevin and me had a heart-to-heart talk during recess. Talked about things that are on our mind. Sigh, the three person who had since fall out of love. Met her outside Chem classroom.But didn't say hi, not cause i don't wanna do it, is just that she turned away and more or less i think i should have known better why she had did that. What could i do? The least i could do was to not make the situation anymore awkward, i guessed. Thoughts started to engulf me. I was thinking whether confessing and telling the whole world about it is wrong. Did i do anything wrong. It seems like that's nothing wrong but at the same time it feels wrong. Back to my confused world. Living in my own thoughts and fantasy land. Stayed back after school to see Ms Mano for oral. Instead of testing me, she more of like helped me to answer all of the questions... But at least i picked up a few skills from her and not like wasted my time.



"Love is giving him/her the power to destroy you but trusting him/her not to"

I got destroyed sometime, somewhere. Even placing trust in her or being steadfast doesn't help, so what else really helps?

Service Learning results are out. As expected, i landed up in local. She's in local too. But somehow the kind of excitment that i should have felt since we are in the same service learning doesn't seem to come to me. If it was three weeks ago, i think it would be a different case. I would have looked foward to the service learning and most likely be having a smile on my face every now and then. But now, it's only fear, it's only pain, it's only agony. Lookind foward would now mean looking back at the past. Smiles became frowns. Tears of joy would become Tears of agony. Just what have i done wrong? Sense of helplessness surrounded me. For yet again, i felt helpless. The worst hated enemy of mine.

To the people out there: i dunno what to comment about us being in the same service learning but definitely i'm feeling what i feared to feel. Helplessness.

The Past still holds some truth, but if you turn them into memories, the hope of it happening is gone. I've yet to turn them into memories, but i hoped that the past shall be my future.

Labels: Agony