It's over. All over. How should i say this? Perhaps, i need a public and private blog seperately, where only the people whom i most trust will have a key to... She wouldn't visit my blog anymore, so that means i could have my freedom of speech back?But still, I will try and set up one soon, when i have the time. 19 days to 'O' level, make it or break it.

It's over between us. We can't be together. I'm not fortunate enough to be someone who could guard you for the rest of your life. I guess, it's time to leave the job to someone else to do it. 29092008, a day where i lost a friend. A close one. Because of comments by people, perceptions of people, i'm NOT able to continue to let this relationship remain stagnant to after 'O' levels when i will deal with it. I have to let go now, to make this a better environment for her to study, to make people to STFU, to make immature people grow up, to make myself get hurt. Yes, it's because of the existence of immature people in this world that have caused things to be awkward between us. Perhaps if all this had happened in the university, people would act more mature and not disturb the matters of the heart. Cause when not dealt with properly, it could lead to serious consequences. It's ironic how people who always say " can you all please grow up?" turns out to be the people who are immature about such matters-relationships. I'm thoroughly disappointed in these people, because i thought they are the ones who are more "grown up" in the sense, but still you can't judge a person by his appearances. Even actions. Now that i'm not even friends with her, you people who shouted during the CCA commendation service are happy already isn't it? Cause you have just caused awkwardness between 2 person who just want to be friends, subsequently removed the possibility of them being even friends. Aren't you all happy. Those that commented on my blog, aren't you happy now that it's because of your comments, that you made me feel so bad that i chose to give up? To the world, aren't you happy that i lost my meaning in life? Aren't you?

"Life is all about the i tried to do"-Qin Lu's msn nick
But the fact is i tried my very best. I did all i could to try and make her erm like me. But somehow things don't always go the way you want it to be. It always have an adverse effect in which you didn't expect it to be. It's like i don't want all this to end, but i had to. During chapel yesterday, there was this story.
About a blind lady whose husband has died. And so she's to be admitted into a nursing home, one in which i never hope to end up in. And so the nurse led her to her room and starts describing the room to her and the nurse asked, are you happy with your room? The blind lady said, " even though i'm blind and all. I woke up each day telling myself to be happy no matter what the circumstances are. It's not about being happy or what, it's about i tried to be happy each day."
I don't know if i remembered the story correctly but that's the brief outline. Urhm, yes. Currently, if i tell you that i'm alright, i'm happy, i think it would just prove that i'm such a bad liar. i'm not okay, definitely not now. i can't really smile. The thought of suicide never fail to cross my mind whenever i start thinking about all these. Up to the point i got so close holding a knife near my wrist, but i just don't have the courage to face all these, neither do i have the same courage to kill myself. But if this goes on, i'm not even sure. As i was on my way to suntec city on sunday, i heard this from some passer-by. "If anyone would want to die, he wouldn't choose to die at home." I mean it doesn't sound logical to die in the comfort of your home isn't it? All that i realised now is that it takes a lot to take one's life away from him/herself. It takes just too much. And i prayed for the first time in my life, to erm the christian god in the sense== Cause i was scared, i was afraid, that i lost my sense of meaning for my existence in this world, that i would choose the easiest way out- to die. But well, a blind lady could choose to live on though her husband has died, why couldn't i? Still contemplating.

On monday, i was actually wondering how much i have meant to her even as a friend. So then i told her it's best that she's no longer even my friend to prevent me from having false hopes, since it was made so awkward that we could hardly greet each other and that it's easier for her to say his no longer my friend when people continues to disturb. But orh wells, if erm i'm a friend she really wants to keep, she would want to be a friend at the very least. but it disappoints me somehow. This also proves that reverse psychology doesn't always work. Since i meant so little to her, since a 2 year+ friendship is worth just so "much", i'm simply disgusted.

What it means to betray.
be·tray
–verb (used with object)
1. to deliver or expose to an enemy by treachery or disloyalty: Benedict Arnold betrayed his country.
2. to be unfaithful in guarding, maintaining, or fulfilling: to betray a trust.
3. to disappoint the hopes or expectations of;
4. to reveal or disclose in violation of confidence: to betray a secret.
5. to reveal unconsciously (something one would preferably conceal): Her nervousness betrays her insecurity.
6. to show or exhibit; reveal; disclose: an unfeeling remark that betrays his lack of concern.
7. to deceive, misguide, or corrupt: a young lawyer betrayed by political ambitions into irreparable folly.
8. to seduce and desert.

If these are the real meanings of betray, then i must say i feel betrayed by her. Look at point 3 and 6 and you might further understand better. Her indifferent remark betrays her lack of concern. I learnt a new word today== Anyway, this was taken off from Mr. Sim's blog, kinda of weird-.- Why would anyone want to betray him, but anyway if i hadn't visited, i wouldn't have realised the real meaning of betray. I feeeeel betrayed!!!!!!== * screams out loud * How should i deal with betrayal then? I really dunno since this new meaning of the word just fell on me. She once said, "i would only hate a person if the person like betray me". So are you telling me that i should be angry at you now?

Whatever. After all these, i just want to say, yw, i hope my wishes for you will always be with you when i'm no longer able to care for you

I hope that ...
1. you will be happy always.
2. you will not be bothered by stress or anything.
3. you will find the guy of your dreams to protect you.
4. you will score well for your 'O' levels.
5. you will have friends who will stay by you even at your worst.
6. you will be healthy always instead of falling sick every now and then.
7. you will never betray another person again (as of the meaning in 3 and 6).
8. you will no longer be chor lor (according to what you said).
9. there will no longer be anyone who will disturb you.
10.you will still remember there will be someone here for you whenever you needs him.
=to be continued=

Rejected and alone
Like a rose
Trampled on the ground.

Sweetest suicide.

Meaningful quote
"To take a photograph means to recognize – simultaneously and within a fraction of a second– both the fact itself and the rigorous organisation of visually perceived forms that give it meaning.
It is putting one’s head, one’s eye, and one’s heart on the same axis." [Henri Cartier-Bresson] - French Photographer

Orh wells i need some pictures ;x I need my head, my eye and my heart to be on the same axis.
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Tags replied
Kwee Ong: Hi. I am the son of the 2 mofos. please accept me.KWEE RAWKZ.
Lol.. i'm not gay and since when kwee and bong.. orh wells-.-

Bryan & Kwee: Lots of love from us to you, all the best for your relationship
Are you really Kwee and Bryan. If so thanks, if not.. I'm simply speechless.

Maturity: get real with yourself. know whats the difference between infatuation and love.
I don't need someone to remind me again.

intelligence: haha just jking, dun take it to heart
I'm a serious person, i can't take too many jokes, i hope there won't be more of your "jokes"

Hua's Helper: I don't think those are heartfelt comments. Please stop spamming on Hua's blog.
I don't know who you are but still i hope you are helping because you really want to help me, and not act. If so i thank you, if not.. i also don't know what to say

intelligence: if you're smart go focus your energy on studying instead of putting up anime porn on ur blog and dreaming over her
If you call this porn, i think you need to perhaps relearn eng, or maybe it seems to you that it is. I can focus at the same time while i dream.

love: its when you like-like-like someone. the only way to see if you really love someone is to see if theres a pen on the floor.
Don't get what you mean by if there's a pen on the floor

Faith: When you believe in something, stick to it till death
Faith isn't just all about talk, it's all about showing.

Courage: If you wanna go do something, go do it all the way.
If only i have all the courage in the world, i wouldn't have given up.