And so... I just POP-ed last Sun. Finally out of tekong? No more ferries? No more buses only MRTs. I was a bit.. reluctant to march the whole thing and it doesn't quite help when I keep thinking about the distances. 4km always felt longer in a foreign place? It's no wonder they keep extending beyond the stipulated mileage? Trust me? 24km is not really 24km, so good luck with whoever's marching. It was damn bad especially the last part towards the last check point. They told us it's only 1.5km to the next check point and you will get 30min of rest? But ended up it was all a lie? It's actually 4km till the next check point before you get 30min rest to continue on with 1.5km. Idk if all these were real but all I know is lies really hurts? At least in this case physically. The flyer actually got nearer (which means we were kinda near to our destination) but then after a while it got further away. Guess we would have just died. Ironic how someone said he wouldn't fall out but eventually he did. Life's filled with liars?

So finally it was at the platform, the parade kinda sucked? Maybe cause we're all tired. Everyone could have done it? It's a matter of one giving up and everyone else fails. The whole throwing of jockey cap was this great feeling, like I'm finally done with something? 4 months of agony? 4 months seemed effing long?.. Like finally. After that I met up with my parents and subsequently her :D You know I think I need to start to keep a diary so that I can write things I can't write about here in there. She came over to my house and like watched me sleep. I wonder what my parents said to her or the other way round? Sometimes, it's these little things that keep me pondering. She left before I woke up.. My parents asked her to go home. My parents are overbearing sometimes -gasp- If only she didn't leave right?..

If there's one thing army taught me, that would be how to take care of someone? I remembered my encik saying, "Your parents hand you all over to me, if we can't make you a better man, the least we could do is to return you back to your parents in one piece?" I think this is why I like the whole essence of a warrant company, even though people might complain it's slack and all, I think they teach you how to treat people proper and of course take care of people who meant a lot to you?

Monday went out with her. Went around visiting the usual places we'd visit - the pet shop gift shops,etc, then we sat at the sky garden for a really long time. We were P-ing each other and talking for a really long time. But sometimes, we were quiet. I think sometimes people run out of things to say to each other not because they don't want to talk to one another but because life has so much and it's not really that much after all. We almost K-ed each other until the fountain started spraying water at us. We were all wet.. No wonder no one sat near the grass? After that Dorothy called then she talked to her for like 30min? hahaha. Bought dinner subsequently from Giant. Swear Giant gives us too much memories?((: Had sushi and donuts for dinner! I think after army I got this can't be bothered to put things subtly cause people don't get it one bit i.e. eff K. Then I lost my first kiss. First french kiss? Don't ask me why, but it somehow became that. Then my bag got stolen from beside me. Like right before my eyes. That son of a gun took my bag and banged it against the pole. Not realising it, I only heard the knocking sound and all I saw was the guy running away. Before I know, my bag was gone. Couldn't find the guy, lost a lot of my stuff that !@#$. Sigh. That was it. Found an accomplice, made a police report. I think at that point I was more worried about making her stay? By then the police took my statement down, it was already 2am+. I was feeling useless albeit she kept saying it's not my fault? Felt bad cause it wasn't even her fault that she had to stay out late. Bad memory, I guess.. But it's okay, we'll forget it and move on?

Tuesday, we kinda like fought for a bit? I know I disappoint her? But I'm just not ready yet? Sorry? We were crazy over the phone and I don't know why my heart hurts so much and the river just keeps on flowing. Went over to her house for a while and she started P-ing me again ): If only it made her happy, I dun mind just sitting there and not moving at all. She was in her red sushi hahaha (only we'd get it) and we found it hard to leave. It's just so hard? I left before her parents came home. I'm just not ready to see them. Thanks to the love sage? If not I think I would have died a million times over.

Wednesday, went over to the park near her house for a while? I think I love park dates cause it's like even though we're doing the same thing over and over but it still feels like falling in love over and over again? Save the details? Went to Macs for lunch and went back to school for handover. Couldn't bear to leave again? It was so bad... Much worse than in camp? I thought it'd be awkward going in between the ceremony so I went to collect my SGC first before going in. To my horror, when I went in, it was the VP OPS handover and they announced my name-_-" After that we went to the canteen to just talk to the juniors and stuff. I was totally annoyed at the conversation between Mr Foo and me. I think he should just shut up before I draw something on his orange car. Went Clementi mall to eat at Ajisens. Exco meeting, felt so much like the one at Subway at holland V (was my first one), only we're not really talking about MRC anymore.

Once, I heard your heartbeat. They were like drums. Only faster. So much so I wanted to hold you tight and just caress you and tell you it's okay. I'm not going anywhere without you and I'm never letting you go? I was foolish to say those things once and I hope I'll never do it again? I just want you to feel secure when you're with me. I've probably never held a girl like this before but you'd be the first and the last one.

Friday, posting. Got into Signals. Knew that I wouldn't make it to SCS. Have you ever tried that coin thing. When you flip the coin into the sky and suddenly you know what your heart is wishing for? I never tried and I never want to know. I thought my only aim to go into army is to probably get fit and come out a better man? I guess command school may be a bonus but it's not something I'm meant for? Maybe it's a chance? A chance to spend more time with her? I don't know this is all good or bad. No PT at all.. I actually love PT, something I realised not too long ago. I can only sigh about it but this is life and there's nothing I can do about it.

I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane.

WANT.


Though I can't help but feel helpless. This is like so familiar. The same situation a year ago, I don't want it to happen to us. Never. I find myself sinking into helpless despair recently, only to be saved by the hopes you gave me. I want to believe in all those hopes, that we're just different, that we'll be strong and that there will not be you and I but just us, in the next 2 years and this whole lifetime, I want to believe you're worth it, the pain, the longing and heartaches that you'd bring me. You're worth it.

xoxo.

Labels: xoxo