First week of BMT has started, passes by as fast as I blink my eyes. Miserable as it seems everyday, still we have to grit our teeth and go through it. Sgt's get more eff-ed up, especially the new sgt, quoted in full not missing out a word, "Don't fuck my timing, if you do, I'll fuck you." Sigh, guess that's what drives everyone to run around. Also, sgt major's "this is only 0.5% of what I can do.". Basically, life as a recruit sucks. I'm pretty accident prone and had gotten my own helmet on my feet and it bleeds so hard, but I got to swim later on. "It's all in the mind." Somehow, this makes me realise pain is probably just physical and nothing mental.
Watching the new recruits come in reminds me of the first day I was in camp with that devastated face. Leaving things outside's not easy I guess. Leaving your comfort zone too. They don't even go through confinement what is this. But it's also good cause they get whacked after they book in.

Last week, had a birthday meet up sort of at fish and co. Didn't do much but well just eat and catch up. They gave me a sunflower and a card. Don't quite know how to describe the contents inside, but well, Idk why that but yeah.

I was on the ferry and the kinda ran into some turbulence. My heart drops, only to realise I'm actually very scare of falling, physically and metaphorically... Falling down, falling down in dreams, falling in love, falling into emotional dumps. Don't want it to happen anymore. This is why I admire kids, they don't know what is falling and will never know until they do. After that, it's a bit like stained glass, hard to impossible to clean off. The bad things haunt you.

I was deeply in sleep until I was rudely awoken by my mother, only to realise she was reading the papercuts that I got as my birthday present. Only I was struggling to fight against my lethargic body and against her reading the whole message, invading my privacy. I give up though, pretending to be back to sleep. Maybe, after she read it, she finally realises what I wanted for my birthday for the past years, something she never quite figured out. I guess it's good in a way, not so though for invading my privacy.

I don't know if I want to fight for my interview. Science - Math, is it something I really want? I mean I don't mind my 2nd choice which was Computer Sci and I probably isn't up for double degree, so I shouldn't even try to kill myself? Idk, but maybe it's only now that I realise that kind of feeling, I'm interested but not enough to fight hard enough for it. Just.. what do I want in life?...

The army recruitment talks were propaganda, 100% + chop, only it made a lot of sense for you to earn more during these 2 years and subsequently get a scholarship and start earning even more. The pay's higher than any graduate's starting pay too. Tempting, but no, I still remember there's something out there waiting for me.

Book in day once again. Sucks, but I guess I have no choice. The time I have to spend with you was short, inevitably some sense of unwillingness to part. The warmth of my eyes, take a good one last look before leaving the train. Take a deep breath and convince myself to keep moving on, but my heart never did. It's the same old booking in mood again, wish I could turn time around again..