I have caring neighbours. Today I received a text, wishing me well wishes for my prelims and As. I'm not particularly close to them, just have conversations every now and then but still. It's strange how we'd fight over trivial matters like WHERE DID YOU MISPLACE MY BOTTLE with our families but spend more time caring about others. Sometimes, I feel I don't deserve my family and I'm very afraid of failing their expectations, especially ever since I've came into JC, I haven't been doing well. Truth is I'm so fearful of so many things and I don't know how to deal with it anymore.

Then I was watching some show about crimes and stuff. Then I saw the gun against the head of the police. Then I realised I'm actually very fearful of death. Like even though I actually don't know what I'm living for, I just don't want life to end like this. Then I realised perhaps I've been holding on to my life for something, it's just that subconsciously, it's there but I don't realise it. I want to live a worthy life, to do something apart from studying, something that will change people, something that will give soul to my empty shell.

You know you fear something when you get this adrenaline rush of fear. I ought to be angsting over my prelims and not..

Today, I woke up from dreams about you. I can't remember what happened, but I know I saw you. Sometimes I wake up from dreams like this and I don't know what to feel. It's like isn't it a nice dream, since it's about you and all, but then again, I wake up thinking what if everything ends like a dream? You wake up and it's gone. And I'm so afraid of losing things like this that I feel like sobbing so much. I don't want things to end like this. I don't want to lose anything and I'm afraid of it all ending here, after a moment of high, everything going downhill.