I'm not afraid of army. I'm just afraid of leaving things undone or unsaid and leaving the people I care about. 2 months of wasted time with loved ones, it's not something I'd want to give up, but disappointment sets in over and over again.

If I say I weren't sad, I'd be lying through my teeth because that just shows that I prob didn't feel anything. I feel so sad that I want to cry, but nothing ever seems to come out. It's like my heart is made of stone and even if it hurts, I just can't cry. I thought everything would be fine, that I've said everything and made my point and got my answer and after a day of crying, I would have gotten past it. But no I was wrong. I tried to do functions but I'm so distracted. These are things not within my control and I have no idea how I can help myself either.

Sometimes, I think I'm just darn stupid or something. It's like I know what's gonna happen and yet still continues in my persistence and watch things happen. And then things happen and I don't know what to do. I don't know if there's anything wrong with myself. Maybe cause the same thing happen to me thrice and I don't quite feel anything anymore. It's like my mind kept telling myself to feel a certain way that I should and yet my heart doesn't feel anything anymore. My heart is so empty and I need something to fill it up. It's like there's nothing there anymore, lost rather actually. People just seen me emo, but they've never seen me down and out and at my lowest, because even if I feel that way, I wouldn't let anyone see it. I feel so selfish for causing everything and affecting everyone, yet it doesn't bring about anything.

'Why do I get so upset when it's like I expected all these to happen?'
'Because you really like her.'

Suddenly it hit me so hard.