“Hate is baggage. Life’s too short to be pissed off all the time. It’s just not worth it.”
American History X, 1998

Dreams. I've been dreaming of you these few days. Something not within my control. Like Idk it's a trend like TGIF and then it's crying Sat. As a matter of fact, I didn't cry, it's just you know you yawn so hard that tears just come out and then it just can't stop. I was on my bed using my phone to surf. Come to think of it, a good way to cut off the distraction of the comp. One day I dreamt of intimacy, the other, I dreamt of well, just coldness. For the first I woke up to 'tears', the other I don't really feel anything anymore. It's a bit like, I keep consciously tell myself in my dream to wake up, wake up, but after a while I just sit back and watch it happen. Dreams that I can't remember normally happen later on in my life and it's a fact that I've come to accept.

Love (of lack thereof). You know, I'm not in the trying to get over people part, but more of the already got over people part. For the first day, I was tearing, for the second, I wasn't quite feeling anything, don't ask me why. This is why I say there's something wrong with myself. By making a comparison, though it doesn't exactly work in something like this but, it's the longest by far and it should be the deepest. But the irony of it all is that the passion doesn't burn after 2 days of freezing ice cold age. Well if you get what I mean, then put it side by side against what you know, of what happened. I would like to think it's the rebound effect, like how don't stop, can't stop, if I'm not wrong the song by 2pm. And so it's time I be alone alone for years to come. No really, I need to figure out what I really want. Wq says I'm more than often blinded by my emotions and I follow them too much. It's kinda true but I don't want regrets in my life, because I know how it feels to regret something 10 or 20 years down the road and saying if only I did this then. Maybe a life of no regrets is something that I seek. Notice the diction like and never love. I wasn't even sure myself. But just saying it means an end to it, though selfishly it kills everyone but enough of these rollercoaster rides.

If you were to ask, I'm upmost disappointed because, it's not as though I don't know what I'm getting myself into like how nice or not nice a person is but I do cherish friendships because I lose a lot and I gain a lot at the same time and it's the ones that last that ultimately stands above them all. I think everyone has a concept of who someone else is. But there must be someone you see in that person for you to want to step forward and you just destroyed it. Forgiving. I don't quite care anymore.

Friends. You know these few days, I've been looking at the fb homepage. One my closest friend (what closest, we don't even talk) got attached again and I was thinking to myself, didn't he just break up less than a month ago? Then I realised maybe, just maybe, his taking upon another stepping stone. But seriously, I'm just me, I don't have the authority to judge people based on my thinking, only the ability to present then forget about it. I really hope his doing it because he really did loved.

Prelims. It changes people. At least, I think it changed me in terms of mindset like the most throughout this whole JC life. I was thinking about what Tanu said, like how Catherine used something that Hal told her against him and it's kind of true that it's cruel of her to do it because it's like a reflecting mirror, you shoot and get shot. Well just an e.g, maybe not that apt as of now. I think he teaches KI and I actually wanted to study KI before I get into AC, just that I realised my Eng at Os is terrible, actually even now. It kinda showed everyone has their own set of defensive capabilities. I think I get very offensive if I want to and really I try to consciously tell myself to be nice that one day if the bad side of me breaks free, it'll be a disaster, people won't know me. And I think prelims changes people. I mean anyone who doesn't seem to see the sense of urgency to start to scramble off to study because prelims is here has some serious problem. It has come to my realization that it's 2 months from As, which isn't very long. I vaguely remembered that 2months ago, I was still having my june holidays. Prelims rearranges my priority for life and actually the last prelims I had, the same thing happened too. It's As, I want to do well, well enough to get on the stage (though Econs really kills me), I want to do things I like to do. I met up with WJ ytd and he said our chem p3 was easier-.-" Oh wells, I really ought to get serious before I die and crash. And he asked me what I want to do in the future. Actually, I kind of thought of it a few days ago. I want to do events organizing, like Idk mostly weddings hmm. Just a thought. Then I want to do MRC-related stuff as freelance. I really do. Alternatively, I want to become a teacher (hopefully I don't end up like Mr Heng), prob something like Chem Maths and still continues to do freelance. The path ahead seem so bright and really I'm fighting for it now (even though I struggle a lot now), but it rearranges my priorities in life and I have a sense of what I'm doing now. Don't stop, can't stop. I don't think I deserve a rest after prelims and I'm just gonna keep studying, I can't stop now, no way. It's full steam ahead.

Just a random thought, you know what? I think Mr Heng is damn evil. Like on one hand, he protects ZL and on the other he doesn't quite give him the award. I don't really know what his trying to do, it's like you made use of the person to help you bridge someone across to CPA and subsequently dumps him. Though there are indeed other factors to consider, but you know what I think he kinda deserve half the award at least, for what he has done in J1 and bringing us through the uncertain period of time. Truth is without him, we might not have made it at all.