Refounded love in this old song. Sometimes you listen to songs, then you look back at the last time you heard it, then you start to reminiscence the different kind of emotions that are invoked in you the last time as compared to now. I actually only repeat songs that I can relate to well and sometimes, it's just amazingly surreal the different kind of situation that you are and were put in and yet still the same song sings out your emotions during those points in time. Of course, it's been increasingly retarded because it actually means the same thing happened twice, or at least they resemble each other.


I've been in this crazy mood that I don't even know why I'm even smiling at all already. Like I don't know why I was even smiling when AF was trying to incite a response from me, though I think the J1s needed that more. The truth is I'm not available and will not subject myself to his childish level to try and reason it out. But yeah, why was I even smiling in the first place?

Chapel was epic, sitting outside watching the J1s spiral and all. Even if I did see anything wrong, I didn't very much say anything. Little did I realise QZL was there and it didn't appear to me that he actually bothered to turn up for chapel for once. Idk, when I say I'm not gonna care about something, I actually say it and meant it. When I say I'm going let go of MRC, I really did and did not care about another screw up. Sometimes, I think I'm heartless and this person who has a very bad character hiding underneath, just that no one really sees it unless they bother digging. I think all these emo were pretty much self inflicted and I can't help but think that they are actually true. The emo secretary, yes. Or rather ex-.

Our lives are changed according to the choices we make in life. Sometimes, I can't help but wonder whether I made the wrong choices to cause things to turn out this way. I wonder if I've even made the right decisions about certain things and I just can't help but keep thinking about it. Sometimes, I wonder if I did help people due to a part of my decision or actually did them more harm. Maybe that's why I'm afraid to make decisions because I'm so afraid that everything will collapse thanks to my spur of impulse and such. But in MRC context, I always act as though I'm right, not because I really think I'm right, but it's just that I do influence, but I only affect equipments and not people, which makes the whole world of difference. I don't know anymore, I'm so afraid of influencing people, so afraid they might taken for a change and all. People are so hard to understand and sometimes I seriously question whether they are even sure what they are doing.

And I forced Jia An to study with my at 3.10 tomorrow. Sometimes, I really question myself as to why I really did certain things. I don't know if I really cared for him or is it I'm just too afraid to be alone. I mean I was intending to study in school because at home the environment is just too distracting for comfort, then again, I'm so afraid that I might end up alone and all. Though I'm all so used to being alone, but still I'm still afraid of such a thing called loneliness. Sometimes, I feel so sad, but just puts off with a I'm fine or just covers my face, because I really don't have answers to questions like 'Are you okay' or 'Is there anything wrong?'. I mean obviously there is something wrong but it's not something that I'd actually tell anyone...

Then there's you which I'm totally clueless about what you think about me. It's like you didn't do anything, but I still continue dreaming about it. I'm like so hopeless and I don't know what to do with myself anymore cause I'm down on the ground, exhausted. The irony of it all is that I'm actually holding on to something that isn't even there. S0metimes, I feel so stupid sitting up there on the balcony just so I could catch a glance of you from up there. Knowingly, I ought to move on, but I'm so sick of still getting stuck at Can't get over it. I kept telling myself it's time to go sit with my class, but I feel so distant from them.

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