As sad as it sounds, I think my blog is the only door to my heart atm and I'm like trying to escape from the reality of life by just keep.. blogging.

I’ve been giving up on people too easily. If they don’t call, if they don’t try - then I don’t. It’s not fair to lay the blame on them when I’m not calling either. I’m just as much at fault. I’ve got a lot of resentment for old friends - for letting me go without a fight. I just want someone to call and say, ‘I miss you, how are you?’ I just want to call someone and say, ‘I miss you, I’m sorry.’ I want to be brave enough to stay in one place.

I think I've learnt to build up walls so people can't see what I'm feeling, hence the default face. But walls are built to be torn down, only by people who could melt them. Sometimes, even though you may not be feeling alright, but you just thought maybe it's the best way to just smile and say, I'm going to be okay. It's not like I want things to happen and I want everyone to be okay too, just that sometimes I end up on the selfish side and only thinking about myself, childishly saying I'm not gonna be okay or I'm gonna be okay and lying about it. Sometimes, you can't help but take a brick out and look out to the world outside, then you realised it's a lot harsher and cold on the outside, so you put the brick back and decides to stay where you are, not moving, not attempting to move out of where you put yourself to be, only waiting for someone that holds the key to get you. As retarded as that sounds, staying put doesn't get you anywhere, but that's just me and stupid me, and dumb me, fucking retarded me. I depress myself, then I depress people who are concerned about me, I'm so self-centered.
I'm becoming like rft. Someone tell me this isn't happening.

Medical checkup was okay, albeit getting poked and pressed upon when the needle was in it. I'm currently in Pes D due to scoliosis. A very bad one. I really hope I end up in the extremes. They wrote Pes A for everything else. So i guess it's really up to the X-ray for the backbone thing.

When I was getting poked, I realised what it feels to have needles poking you and hence the description how a thousand needles is poking your heart. Bleed to death maybe. They said I looked like Randall, though later I confirmed that we're actually talking about two different Randalls.

I'm only depressed with rain because it brings back bad memories. And after rain, sometimes you see rainbows. "It was raining. A girl asked a guy, 'can we hold hands and walk in the rain?' And so they did. The rain stopped and the girl looked upon the sky. She saw a rainbow and she told the guy. The guy looked at her and said, 'I don't need the rainbow because I've got you.'" And so this story continues to linger on. One day it rained. The beauty of this story got destroyed. Promises broken. Hopes no more. All that was left was just a patch of grey across the damn sky. It was rainning and I was crying.


I like pictures with this colour tone. The kind of yellow yet still possesses some sense of other colours.

I like how sleeping next to someone means more than sex sometimes. It’s the body’s way of saying ‘I trust you to be by my side at my most vulnerable time.’ You have no defenses when you are asleep, you tell no lies.

I trust you.