Last in class writing for Lit ended up in some massive emo because it was based on loss and grief. It gets more depressing as I write and write. I mean I've never even grieved for anyone, I wouldn't have felt the same way. Still, between 2 sets of poems, I chose loss and grief instead of death. It's like a natural reaction to do something I can relate to better. Consultation with EkaT was probably the most intense 40minutes of my life. Glares, stares, wink, provocative thoughts. He made me think about quite a fair bit of stuff too. Of forms of poetry, forms of paragraphs. He made me realise the way I think is actually very incoherent. So.. As a matter of fact, I'm not only not coherent at night but also every other time when I'm thinking, that's why I tend to need time to mull over things. My very own incoherence is probably caused by this weird intertwined chains of thoughts that I often have, need to get it out of my head. My very incoherent writing is probably caused by the way I write my blog because I do get lost in thoughts. A levels is so demanding that I don't know how to handle it all together. Speed, accuracy and memory and every other things all together. I don't know what to do about it. I really need to rethink what I want to do in life.

“ Sometimes it makes you happy. Sometimes it makes you feel hurt too. It’s love. ”
This is why I wished love works like a buffer solution. Whenever something which may seem insignificant happens, the relationship will remain fairly constant. I don't know what I'm thinking anymore. Chem tuition and intense thought process invoked something that is totally unrelated and all. I don't know how to stay focused anymore. Someone advised me to say what I think, but it's not like I expect you to reciprocate or anything. There just isn't any sense of spirit to fight on anymore. I guess meaning is very important to me and whenever I lose sight of it, I just sink into a state of helplessness behind my default face which masks everything underneath. Truth is I do like you even though I have no expectations. What a weird mindset.

Only today I realised how amazing the mrcthe14th has been, partly because of the provocation by Ms Mai after intense provocation by EkaT. 7 people supporting the whole school. It wasn't an easy feat. Actually, it just comes to prove quality over quantity. Thinking of it all makes my hair stand. My father said if your hair stood on ends when you think about something, it means you feel for that thing and just shows how compassionate you are for that particular thing, or even the warm feeling you get in your heart. I think I feel too much for things. It becomes bad for me in the long run. I'll get too tired, too numbed to feelings and too oblivious to things.

I think AF actually still has a heart. The way he puts the point that we should ask the J1s to help Mohd is kind of like idk, compassionate? I want to believe that everyone has a heart and that includes ZL. Heart, as in not the literal but yeah. Despite that I wouldn't really want him to be on the same stage that I stood on, but I guess some things can't be helped. I sent a message to AF, I don't know how things will turn out from now on.

The Sci HOD came into my class yesterday, almost gave me a heart attack. She has this extremely powerful memory capacity that even though she doesn't teach my class, but somehow is still able to remember all our names.. She was supposed to monitor my class's results and she noticed my slight improvement for only Chem, so she kind of praised me in the middle of no where in the canteen some time back. I love her cause her tutorials are extremely productive and I'm wondering why she only teaches 2 Chem classes.

Mr Heng smiled at me today. I creep out. School's been such a rollercoaster ride, I don't know how to shut my mind to things I don't want to think about anymore.

These few days have been tiresome non stop training for napha. I really hope all these aches and heartaches are worth it. 8 rounds around the track plus tuition plus Lit really don't make a good combination. I mean I wouldn't even run that much even if I did see you. I'm at my wit's end on what to do with studies, physique and you. I really hope I can handle all these one step at a time, before I really break down.

I'm extremely annoyed because someone stole my beloved Fairfield pants. Maybe what Cheryl said was true. One reckless guy.