*WARNING* -angst alert- Turn back before it's too late.

I had a premonition yesterday that the first day of school isn't gonna end up like any other first days of school. I think I was proven right. They say a woman's premonition comes off true more than often, but Zhi Hua's premonition, I think it come true worse than a woman's premonition.

Chapel was fucked. Stop saying wow, stop saying such strong emotions. I think it's apt enough. Receivers stuck in LT4, poking the key in the keyhole and subsequently struggling to get it out was damn epic fail. Irresponsibility has always been someone's middle name and I think it comes off pretty obvious now, only he had the decency to explain himself, unlike some bugger who ran off with XLRs and had the decency to screw up but not admit. My mix was quite bad today, or so I would like to think, but screw Mark Ng's guitar and his ever fluctuating singing. There wasn't a single frequency that I could actually cut to make it sound better. I turn the knobs from top to bottom and nothing seems to change-.- No sense of acoustic in acoustic guitar.

I saw Quek twice today, only there were friends around me, if not I'd be this close to strangle him like a duck and make him quek. I think descriptions of his self destruction come off pretty apt and I think I resemble him in character in some sense. How the heart always self reprimands and ultimately will lead to my very own downfall. Attention seeking and vain. Just maybe, I don't portray it as blatantly as him and I would come off close to becoming this fucked up like him.

I think it probably didn't matter if the people who means a lot to you is fucked up. I mean they're still the people who meant the most to you and even though they may be damn fucked up, they're still the people who are close to you. You won't blame them for being fucked, sometimes you just want to be there for them, but still. I don't know what to say, my thoughts doesn't flow very well now. That came up when I was SK-ing for Mohd. I mean his fucked, but still. Well.

My GP teacher was talking about this hierarchy of needs and I went to Wiki it.

The lower four layers of the pyramid contain what Maslow called "deficiency needs" or "d-needs": physiological (including sexuality), security of position, friendship and love, and esteem. With the exception of the lowest (physiological) needs, if these "deficiency needs" are not met, the body gives no physical indication but the individual feels anxious and tense.

Maybe that's why I've been looking for love in places I can't find. The sense of need to feel belonged, some place to house your soul.

Love is love, even when you’re not supposed to be together.
— Grey’s Anatomy

Chloe told me if you want to know what she feels, just go confess to her. I think relationships are actually that simple, only made complicated by ourselves, that we start thinking too much about it. I mean if it comes off as I don't love you, then just forget about it and move on. If it goes the other way, then good for you. Well, but we all know things aren't that simple and things like this screws up, it's gonna be one heck of a mess later on.

I think you set standards for 'the one' you're looking for but somehow when you really found 'the one', you realise she's the only exception.

"Once bitten, twice shy". I once believed in true love. Once, but somehow, I realised that you'd only give off your everything without reserve during your first love and I guess that's why many people feels that only the first love is true. There are no baggage or what so ever carried with you.

I think maybe I'm constantly distracted to the point I don't even realise it, I failed my Econs. Somehow, I get disheartened when my teacher says that I didn't study. I clearly did, but I guess maybe I'm just too distracted and all. It gets irritating when people wronged you and yet there are no other way you can justify yourself. Moreover, it's like that was your best and all you get is this. It's scary, disappointing, whatever you call it. I think there's like no words to describe. I cried in the room actually. The silent kind, the kind you don't hear the gasping for breath, the kind when you don't make any sound and tears just roll down. Only because my jacket was covering my face that the J1s didn't see it and I'm glad. I've got an image to maintain in front of them. I think being their senior is quite tiring, you've got to set an example for them, be strong when the sky's falling, constantly nag at them when they do things wrongly, care for them, remind them. Maybe, just maybe I think I might have treated them like my kids all along. Though it sounds plain stupid to have 18 kids because I will need a blood transfusion but still.

My eyes are damn painful from the tears and late night staring at GP and daylight staring at Lit. If I have to go through more for A levels, I think I'll go blind soon.

I really hope I do well for Chem and actually pass Math. Only I shouldn't have high hopes because each time I do, I only fall even harder.

There are people out there who are sad, not just me, only I realised it too late. Very much wanted to say cheer up, but two sad people don't make a happy pair, they'll just depress each other more.

I'm tired, truly tried.

Labels: Friends, Love, School