Everyone, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world, and that nobody loves them now and that nobody will ever love them, and that they will never have a decent night’s sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever. The best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake somebody else up, so that they can feel this way, too.
-Lemony Snicket, “Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can’t Avoid”

Those are the sleepless nights when the silence scream out loud in your head and you almost go crazy trying to get your eyes to shut, your brain to malfunction and your train of thoughts to break. Wake someone up? Sure. You sit there thinking, wondering who you could wake up, then you realise there's absolutely no one you can.

Past few days have been busy, hectic whatever you call it to the point I fall asleep on my bed while attempting to finish my work and subsequently waking up in the middle of the night, realising that I couldn't fall back to sleep. Screw it seriously-.- I screwed up my SPA graph -gasp- Scale was off, resulting in my inability to extrapolate the last point, and I finished on the dot, therefore not being able to check or anything. Sigh. Life.

I've been so busy to the point, I seldom stop and think about stuff, which is supposed to be a good thing. Maybe I should drown myself in work, then I would be able to forget about some stuff/people. Talking about forgetting some people, today has been a constant reminder of a certain someone. I regretted putting my ipod on shuffle, it should just stay at replay as always (and better off replaying Replay). I kept hearing songs that remind me of the past, especially last year. The weirdest way of noticing 11:11s, 12:34s. Shuffles, hugs, the falling chair, night, stars, baby. Shit them, it's all coming back to me today, which makes me wonder how have you been doing, despite seeing you almost everyday, we're like strangers. I thought I was over you (which up till now I think I should be since you're better off with some other guy), well actually I am, but just maybe these memories never fail to fade, because it seems to have already been etched in some corner of my heart or mind and on gloomy days like this, the sky cry, so do my heart, though for reasons I can't tell, but it's really sad. It's going to rain like that day when you drew a line across our relationship and it's the same kind of rain, the kind when it's really slow, really sad, really small droplets yet hitting against the windows so strongly. Though we were never together together, but well... I don't know what my mind really wants. And after I just wrote that, G signs in, unknowingly. Screw my life.

Which is why I think I'm not at all ready for anything. NS, jobs, relationship. I can vision myself in army being overloaded by work, sitting at one corner when left alone and panting like a dog when asked to run. I can't half imagine myself trying to do anything related to business, giving people advice when I'm pretty much in need of them. Like, mind my own business already. I totally can't imagine myself getting into a relationship when I pretty much haven't sort up my thoughts over the last one yet which is why I shouldn't go after You. I think you have been over excessively used in my blog, because they range from my parents to rft, to G, to you and maybe that's why people have no sense of what I'm talking about. Well, at least I know. I always thought whoever experienced the things that I've written should very well understand, then again I was wrong.

Sadly, people nowadays are busy with their own lives, way too busy to even bother about others.

There’s a difference in what we long for, what we settle for, and who we’re meant for.

Well at least what I can tell is none of these apply to G. But there's a sense of longing for you.

And just before my head hits the pillow, I’ll think of you.
The words you spoke, the way you looked.
The things we laughed about, the silences we shared.
And just before my head gets caught up in a dream, I’ll think of you.
And when I dream, I’ll dream of you,
cause it’s about you, it’s always about you

It's always about you. Waking up, you're the first thing on my mind.

Part of me wishes we were like goldfish they only have a 3-second memory. that way I would never remember who you were or what you did too me. You’d just be this person I kept seeing, but never knew.

Okay, whatever back to studying Chemistry, hopefully, not the wrong kind.

Labels: Alexithymia, Heartbreaking, Rain, You