Today's a bad start to the week. i wrote my MRC reflection till 2am. By then i realised i didn't even know what i'm writing myself. Like it didn't even make much sense and i think i might just become the joke of the century.

School was bad enough. Got back my Maths like early in the Morn. 18/50. Flunk. I can't explain how much i feel for my maths results. It's after all the only subject that i dared say i prepared for. I'm feeling kinda of helpless now that i did all i could and i'm still failing at it. Perhaps, i felt nervous during the exam and panicked a little (oh wait i think that was an understatement). It's not i dunno how to do, it's more of i can't seem to think at the right moment. My form teacher kept telling us to move on after being sad for a day, like tonight's the night i guess. Just let it flow, the abundance of sadness that evolved ever since.

With that, i still need to take my A levels Oral, bracing myself for something more. I'm quite proud of myself actually, being able to forget all about it for a moment or 2 just so that i could complete my orals with a clear mind. But i must say i screwed it up somehow. Not being able read at a proper smooth pace and not being able to come up with enough points, just to mention some of the areas i feel i've done wrong in. For all those that's interested the topic's on learning chinese to go china, or something along that line. My heart beat faster than it would when i run 2.4 or even more than when i see her, but that's when i was reading, when i entered my thought-provoking state of mind and i must say i almost ran a fever. 37.4, near but not enough to get me out of all these.

After all that i felt like dying. I'm in this semi conscious state of mind such that whatever i said didn't make much sense anymore. I went back to the room to take a rest. I heard Good Day - The Click Five. Actually, i heard this song many times already, but i just didn't know the title of it. It's currently on repeat and it's ambivalent how i've been having a bad day and i'm playing a song like this. I conclude the reason is an attempt to cheer myself up. Like kept telling myself "you gonna have a good day tmrw!". Which i'm still far from feeling that way. So does that mean i'm gonna spam this through the night?.. No i don't think so. I don't know if this will just last for a night or even more, but it's definitely getting in the way of me being productive.

Somehow i'm thankful right at this moment that i've understanding parents that didn't blast at me for failing terms. Perhaps for the fact that they saw how 辛苦 i was when i really slogged my life out during my secondary school life and sudden realisation how i've been sad almost every single day back then. But still i know they understood i tried my best (to a certain extent).

And what cheers me up at the end of the day is just meeting her. Though i know she may not understand what i'm going through or even so ask what's wrong, but well, the very fact that i saw her was already an enough comfort i could feel for myself. That all's gonna be fine, i'll press on cause you were there. Thinking back, i realise what someone else said was pretty true. "At least you've got somebody." to perhaps look forward to.

You`re looking for something you can't find
If you give it up you`ll lose your mind
There's always something in your way
What can you say?

I hope i'm looking for something i can find
I hope i won't give it up even with all that it takes.
I hope nothing more'd come in the way.
If only i could speak more, to you.

What's with this hot and cold treatment?
I'm just as clueless and hopelessly into it.

Labels: A Day