Yesterday was a mind blowing day. I didn't have any break at all. Continuous lessons, activities one after another. First was Chinese lesson at lt4. Mohd seemed to be suffering from fatigue so i had a chance to try eq-ing the singers voices.. But the thing is he patched two singers' mikes to the liner mixer so i could only adjust their volumes from the mixer through one channel and the system keeps peaking.. sigh.. Subsequently my 20 min cut short to 10 min break was spent packing up the stuff.. There goes my first 20min break.

The second 20min break was spent in lt1 getting nagged at by our FT at how fail our class is. Breaking the whole college's records of having 17 ppl cmi in terms of acads. I think i'm one of them sigh.-_-" And there goes my other 20min break-.- Looks like my Tues time table is being maxed out till the max.

Finally school was over at like 2.30. But my only mental break was when i could finally sit down and have my lunch. But it was shortlived. Only a mere 30 min of rest. Sometimes, i wonder if i deserved more, that maybe i shouldn't have commit myself this much. After which i started on QM's stuff. Wq, u better thank me for finishing so much stuff on Fri.-.- I moved tons of stuff ALONE. Apparently, my sad life haven't come to an end yet. I knocked off a few shelf, but realising they didn't match the ones that was for the radios, i called pc. But she was having some consultation i think. And then the pangea day ppl kept coming to the room. They asked to loan the stuff for the first time and then subsequently came for help cause there wasn't any sound.. They expected the sound to come when the xlr's not even plugged into the line mixer. I was like -gasp-. So when i was done helping the pangea day ppl, pc called me and so she helped me to find the other shelf. So i managed to fixed the stuff and label the shelves. By then was already 5+. And then the CF person came to attempt to return some stuff. But apparently cause someone didn't ask them to sign in the stuff, there was some confusion between what they returned and what other equipments that they kept with them. So this guy came in again and again just so that he could prove that he returned us all the stuff. What made it worse was the fact that he wants to extend the date line for the equipments and borrow somemore equipments. Another teacher came in at the same time when this guy was having a screwed up attitude against me, asking for mike that she could borrow for Sat's debate. So i had to explain to the teacher that we have a shortage of mikes due to various numbers of events taking place at the same time so that she doesn't have to wait for me. But the CF guy gave me the "Can u shut up and help me get my stuff?" look. If not for pc, i think i might have blew at the guy already. I've been handling all these alone, haven't you all consider how much i've been trying to do, even if it meant to face some screwed up person with a smile. Have it ever dawned upon you all that i've been trying my best? But sometimes, i'm really tired, facing so much stuff, just alone. Won't somebody just come and help without me asking? What happened to we are a team? Don't i matter anymore? Anyway, i really appreciate PC for the help yesterday because she's not even obliged to help me at all, but still she made the effort to do so, thanks (:

Faking a smile even when i'm tired, even if i'm pissed, even if i feel injustice why am i doing all these. Acts of kindness warm an empty heart, words of insensitivity pierce a fragile soul. Ever wondered which of of it do you belong to? Both is the answer. Sometimes you touched me, but sometimes you say things i dunno if you meant it.. I love you but i don't know how can i show it. Or maybe if u meant stop it, then i really don't know what to do.

I find it increasingly hard to keep to the cca. Firstly, at home i need to keep the fact that i'm not inside the comm., so that i could continue commiting at the same rate at which i've been commiting my time to, if not it'd prob end up like some *since u aren't inside why are u still spending so much time* convo. It's becoming increasingly hard because they can't understand what i'm upset about and how much i've been keeping to myself so that they won't be worried for me. At the same time, they're scolding me for the fact that i pulled a long face in front of them when they didn't really understand things that are happening in my life. And when these two things collide, it really threw me into a state of uncertainty, pushed me into agony. Secondly, the more i do, the more i feel as though i'm taken for granted. Like i thought you were suppose to do this? That kind of thing. It's time they realised they need to step up in whatever they are doing. Sometimes, i asked myself what i'm fighting for. Is it for the fact that just so that i could give the new comm. more time to adjust to the current situation, or was it because of the people in it. The J2s are gone, there seems to be lesser reasons for me to stay, much lesser. Even so i often ask myself, perhaps, at that point in time if i didn't decide to quit sgc, i'd prob become somebody there, then again i told myself that i'm not gonna regret whatever i've done, even now.

Crying over spilled milk doesn't help. But sometimes, it's too much to contain that it overflows. 24/7, a day when i'm truly tired. A nice date though, which meant everyday. But i refrain myself back from doing stupid things.

Never say it will never happen.

Labels: Fake