Many things happened today...However, mostly in fact all of them were quite negative,in the sense affecting me negatively.

Firstly, from some classmates, I found out that her impression of me was just that of a stalker. Just cause I'm always standing around her and looking at her, does that make me a stalker? Many informations just come to me naturally while in the midst of my conversations with many people, however, this process of getting to know what's happening in her life seems to be a delibrate attempt to find out more about her. Just cause I want to care about her, does that make me a stalker? Seriously, it makes me ponder why in the first place I've care so much and end up like this. Plus, I bet she must have some wrong impressions of me again, say a lier, a stalker and most likely a backstabber now. Sigh.. Just when can my efforts of trying to be with her ever pay off.

Secondly, it's finally like the last CCA session for us seniors today. I thought it might be a happy occasion that I could finally rest for a bit. However, in the midst of organising a NJRC (National Junior Robotics Competition) trial for them, a junior was found to be reading off some undesirable stuff on the internet. This had really ruined my stepping down from my CCA (Media-Robotics). Ended up screaming my lungs out like there's no tommorow. Made a farewell speech (at least sort of one) and tried to make them wake up from their ideas. I don't know how much I've succeeded, but if at least what I've said had changed one perspective of at least one person, I felt it's worth it. I often asked myself, is this what we as seniors have imparted to them the juniors? How would the strong emphasis on values in school made all these happened? How could I ever be able to step down when all these happened? The amount that they slacked every now and then is enough to make me worry.. But I doubt there's anything more I can do about all of these. I seriously give up. Darren, I think you need all the luck in the world for the months to come. All the best and get well soon!

Third and finally, I've been at my all time low mood since this month. After all these events, all these thoughts, all the tests, I'm totally drained. Why do the woman I want most always run away from me at the most crucial point of my life? When I'm down and out, when I'm feeling low, they just walk away. Even though she may have left me when I'm sick, when I'm most messed up in my life,but up till this point, I haven't really been able to let go of her. She seems much happier now without me and even though I may be right here now suffering in pain and agony, I still felt happy for her. Even at this very moment, I'm crying silently in my heart, but that's okay as long as she's happy. The reason for my departure away from her- I don't wanna upset her anymore. Even though she might have distorted images of me, but still it's no doubt that I still loved her..

The world doesn't revolve around you. You revolve around the world. So I guessed I could only revolve around her. At least that's the least I'm able to do for her now.

Labels: Blew It