It's been a long time since I bring myself to blog. It's not that I have no time or that I don't have anything to write about, rather I can't bring myself to. To write about my thoughts that are fragmented. So. December was filled with offs and leaves and whatnots. I guess I'm kinda glad that there's consistent offs and leaves like holidays in school, but sometimes I get very irritated. Irritated meaning the disruption of training. It's like they make you train so hard and put you on a long break, expecting miracles to happen at the IPPT the day after you booked in. Just defies all logic. Also, sometimes I wonder why I try so hard to try and get silver for IPPT after failing so many times, literally. It's like IDK. I go gym, follow training program, but just can't seem to make it. I don't know if it's my body or myself that's preventing me from getting it. I looked at the calender, a month to one year soldier and my state, as though no difference from the start state. I wonder why.

Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia… You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you’ll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present.

I can't seem to fight the impending future. Like the rumours of 2012, the presence of an afterlife, life and death. I get so overwhelmed sometimes just by thinking about them and realising I'm actually not living in the present at all. I wonder if people actually think about the future, like really go into the details. E.g tomorrow, I'm gonna run 4km along xxx road, come back have beehoon for breakfast, read newspaper for an hour and so on so forth. That amount of details. I don't know if anyone does. And so what if he or she does? There just have to be a single change in the chain of events to lead to a chance in your whole plan of the future. And my question boils down to is there truly a need to think about the future? Personally, I always end off these thoughts with the thought of me hugging her, because it gives me a sense of comfort maybe through all these adversities, there's perhaps something constant - her.

January - CNY. I've been an arch enemy of salmon, killing off their kind almost every other day. From what I remembered I ate Yu Sheng for like 5-6 times for the whole of 15 days of CNY. Oh, anyway I received an Ang Bao from my CO with a movie ticket in it. Sometimes, I wonder if this is part of his plan for keeping everyone in the battlion with him, or is he just this giving towards everybody. Even so, I don't know one can be so willing to give. I mean the whole idea of the instincts of survival is for oneself and so what actually develops this opposite side of it. IDK, but all I know is I've taken another 5, not extras but kg off the long break during CNY. I highly suspect that is the bane of my failure to do any pull ups right now.


Ytd, I looked at someone getting promoted and invoked some jealousy within myself. Sometimes, I looked at them and wondered what they did to deserve this but subsequently I convinced myself that maybe it's just I fucked up somewhere. Well, I mean that has to be the reason why we ended up in this fucked up place. My only consolation is perhaps having a new BSO who drives us crazy with work and rewards us according. That makes time in camp pass by faster and more worthwhile and enriching. Also, I was just being sent on the 3 days CCAC (Combat Casualty Aid Course). For everyone who said stayout was a good idea, it definitely is not when your camp is like miles away and you have no convenient means to get there. I woke up at 4.45 for the 3 days straight. My god, I almost died. Also, the finale which was the IV drip that we had to do on each other was pretty screwed up. My friend poked through my vein, literally. I had a pretty bad blue black after that. Actually I was quite fail also because I don't really know what to do and the tendency of me mumbling when I'm not confident doesn't help. Sucks to be me.

I shall stop, whining now, to a screaming mother.