The very least you can do in your life is to figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope.
Barbara Kingsolver

I guess that's the least I can do now, figure out what I've been wanting all along and just live inside that want.

Chances are always missed. First chances, second chances, last chances. they fly right past us; like fireflies, shooting stars and like a pretty butterfly. Even though you try to catch the chances, like you try to catch the fireflies, or whether you savor the precious moments, like when you see that shooting star, or even when you think about how that beautiful butterfly was once a vulnerable little caterpillar, it doesn’t make any of the chances seem any easier to catch, any easier to savor, or any closer. In fact, it makes them seem farther away. Harder to catch; harder to savor. And harder to remember once they have passed. But that’s the thing about chances. They don’t want to be, caught, savored, or remembered, they just want to be chances. Things that happen in an instant. Like the firefly passing by, the shooting star soaring through the night sky, and the butterfly casually gliding by. And those few individuals, who are lucky enough to catch a firefly, savor a shooting star or relate to the butterfly, are the few individuals who deserve a chance.

Does that mean those that do not take chances do not even deserve them? I think small bugs are hard to catch, like ants, flies, it's easy to probably kill them but hard to well catch them in your hands. I think it goes the same for hope. Like the smaller your hopes are, the harder it is for that thing to happen. Which is why life is so hard. Well, then what about bigger hopes? Basically, I think one doesn't even have the capacity to catch it.

There's this fact that somehow pops up in the middle of the week.
If you're trying to kill yourself, don't cut straight, cut downwards, that way, you'll definitely die.

I stupidly stapled my finger last Mon and now there's a scar in it, sigh.

Now my whole body's screaming in pain. Somehow, there's this conversation that took place in between my class guys.

"Eh, ______! Who you jio-ing?"
"No, I not jio-ing, I eating buffet. Why you also want to eat arh?"
"No, I have my a la carte already."
"a la carte expensive you know, buffet can eat all you want."
"I like cannot?"
"SHUT UP, let's go and eat, I'm starving!"
-Awkward silence-

AND

"Aww, your a la carte go Malaysia, you lonely this weekend? *Sings Lonely*"
"Yar larh!"
-Across the road-
"EHH!! Your previous a la carte across the road!"
"That one different."
"Huh, why? That one more Chinese? This one more Western?"
"No, nonya."
"Seriously?-.-"
"No, just shitting you. I think she's with ___. They take bus together every morning, something I didn't even manage to do."

Relationships are so complicated. It's like even after breakups, there's still this "I want to know what's going on in your life" syndrome, often being mistaken for not being able to get over the person. Maybe it's cause you're so used to caring for that person that it's hard for you to suddenly say nothing that you do will affect me anymore.

And then the question pops. What do you do when you fall for someone you shouldn't? Do you let go or do you hold on? Do you just give up, or do you try, knowing that nothing good will turn out from it? Sometimes, being alone is so much better, but sometimes, you really hope there'd be someone there just for you when you're at your lowest. I've no one. P(she's gonna fall for you)=null. Probability is driving me crazy.

You began to cry; just crying. The deep and ugly kind, the kind you lose yourself in, though you’re thanking God that no one has to see how rubbed and blotched your face becomes. Though some detached part of you also wishes there was someone there to see you now, to see and understand just how sad you are at heart. They don’t see it, and of course, you would never show them that side of you.

Labels: Cry, Hope, Precarious