I've rewatched Secret on channel U again. It's the third time i'm watching it. Well, every single time i watch it, i watch it because of a different reason with a different person. And then i said the same thing everytime, and get the same answer everytime. Like wtv/anything. I wonder sometimes, if i'm so called being destined to be stuck in this vicious cycle. Honestly, i don't want to but it seems however, that's what in front of me.

Everytime, i watch this, many thoughts will come upon my mind. This time i guess, it's not an exception. The thought of trust, of how sad it'd be if no one elses trusts you and starts to doubt you. Indeed, i'm will actually be the same like how the female lead feels, and that's how i'd handle it, probably, cry like her, actually almost exactly the same. At the same time, it made me realise that the first time i watched it, it made me value trust of and time with another person even more. I realise it was then and now too that i keep reminding myself of the amount of time i've left with a person, because at this very moment, life seems very short to me. Or at the very least, there's a break in every few years of education and this break often not only signifies the break of many relationships, but also the shifts in mindsets and values. Often, i kept wishing that time'd stop at the happiest moments of my life, but it kept moving, making me feel unbearably sad. And then i realised it's beyond the mere me to do anything about it because i can't stop the overwhelming nature. Perhaps, that's why i have such strong beliefs on certain things which in turn invokes strong feelings for/of certain things.

Friday, i spent most of my bit after school sitting at vivo, just staring out into the sea. I've been thinking a lot and as the breeze blew across my face, i realised times like this have been lost. The once peaceful, slow moving times where i can just enjoy the abundance of fun, love and joy were gone. That's no matter how much i wished, how much i feel for it, there's nothing i can do about it. After that, i went around, just looking at stuff and i realised i have many wants, not as the once i don't have any wants. But honestly, there isn't anything else that i need except well... And then i was real hungry, so i bought curry puff from Old Chang Kee and it was 20 cents off for students apparently.. I was then craving for ice cream, so i went to macs for a cup of strawberry sundae. Before all that, i had memorable times. Times i'd never forget. Chocolate Eclair. Whenever i go vivo, im gonna get that! And i could feel strongly that you've been trying to hold on to this friendship. But whatever that i'm doing doesn't even help one bit and all i've been doing is just thinking about myself. I don't know if i'm doing the right thing. I wished i'd be able to change something but i realised how insignificant i am, how little i could do and yet it's ultimately not up to me about things like this. That's how small i am, how vulnerable i can be and how little i could do. So please, forgive me, cause it's this little that i could do, even about myself. I'm having this oxymoronic feeling. Bittersweet feeling of what's left of us. The foolish me, this is all that i meant. Little, but ultimately nothing.

P.S. ZX i'm gonna heartstop you on Tues.

Why do your actions always speaks otherwise of your words?

Labels: Insignificant, Small, 不能说的秘密