I'm back. With a new look. Oh wells, i wanted to close down this blog already. Reading back those posts that i've written a year ago makes me realised how immature i am back then. I spent some time thinking over the time i closed my blog down. I thought i could have some time alone until some friend came along and stared and glared until i gave up. Well truth is if Taeyang's wedding dress didn't come out, this would have probably remained closed like forever-_-" But it came out and gave me a new idea for a blogskin :D Hopefully, it looks nice generally. Yeah i was asking for opinions but ended up always getting nothing out of it.

And so the past days were spent listening to Taeyang's Wedding Dress. It's been barely 5 days and it's on it's 600th replay. :x I hope i'm still not that sick of the song yet.. And here goes the lyrics.

You and he would argue
Then sometime tears would drip.
As you’re struggling, I felt the rays of hope
My heart s-s-shattered in the silence
And I would calm down as I look at your smile
I conceal and hide my feelings away from you
Because if you find out, we may be no longer together.
I hold my breath
And bite my lips
Then I hope that she’s by my side, not his.

Baby, please don’t hold his hands
Cuz you should be my lady
I’ve been waiting forever, so please look at me.

Once the music starts
You’ll take the eternal pledge with him
I prayed and hoped
that this day would never come

The wedding dress you’re wearing (dress)
(Girl) The wedding dress you’re wearing
(but I’m not the one who’s by your side)
(Wedding dress, dress )
The wedding dress you’re wearing, oh no

I hated you
for not understanding how I felt.
So at one point, I even wished for your misery.
But my tears were already d-d-dried up.
Every night I felt anxious
and now if I think about it, I might have already foreseen this event.
I close my eyes,
And dream an endless dream.
Then I hope that she’s by my side, not his.

Baby, please don’t hold his hands
Cuz you should be my lady

Once the music starts
You’ll take the eternal pledge with him
I prayed and hoped
that this day would never come

The wedding dress you’re wearing (dress)
(Girl) The wedding dress you’re wearing
(but I’m not the one who’s by your side)
(Wedding dress, dress )
The wedding dress you’re wearing, oh no

Be happy with him
So I can move on
Please forget how miserable i look
For a long time
It was hard on me, no oh
I spent too much time fantasizing
I lived in illusions, like a fool
She’s still looks at me
and smiles brightly

The wedding dress you’re wearing (dress)
(Girl) The wedding dress you’re wearing
(but I’m not the one who’s by your side)
(Wedding dress, dress )
The wedding dress you’re wearing, oh no

It talks about Taeyang's good friend/brother, i can't figure out which, but yeah always popping up rudely just when his spending the sweetest time with the girl he likes. And at the last moment when he pulled the girl out of the bar, he was about to propose to her but got mistaken as himself trying to help his friend/brother to get an opportunity to propose. How sad D: Furthermore, he was made to sing at their wedding. Love, that was never spoken will never be known. And there's nothing you can do about it except to feel miserable and reflect upon oneself why couldn't you be more decisive.

Have you ever wished for somebody to chance upon your secret entries, especially the ones about that somebody, but you can't actually reveal what you've written? Like... it just has to be chanced upon, as if the meaning of it will be gone if it was blatantly said out. I don't know if I'm making sense cuz I'm not exactly the best at describing my thoughts, but that's vaguely how I feel now.

This is quoted from another blog, I guess sometimes that's how i feel, but what can i do?..

Then again, i was about to post the post-PW activities. Everyone's spazzing about how PW's over and no PW for life, but often many also realised the emptiness it brings even after the OP and whatnots. No more rushing though the middle of the night for PW? No more sleepless nights? But more of stoning through the night and have nothing to do, wishing there'd be something that you can do, something that will occupy you? Perhaps those were the harder days when you felt it's worthwhile living for? Then again, you probably escaped Project Work for a while but still ends up finding yourself struggling with it when you're in University yet again (Well, unless As was that screwed up that you had to take another detour at any other polytechnics?). But at the end of it all, my OP was okay, much better than i expected it to be. I only looked at my script about 4-5 times throughout the 5 minutes, and i think it's the best i can do already. I did quite a bit of hand gestures i hope, just that i sounded rather monotonous. Well, i can't like note of every single thing? My Q&A was rather okay, despite it not being related to my slides much. And it only took like a question where majority of the group took much more. My hands were shaking, my stomach aching, and then my head hurts, all before that, all while watching other groups present, and then i took deep breaths, trying to imagine if you were there all along, at that corner watching me. A confident me, at least for that 5 minute, all thanks to you. Realised how much an impact one could have?

And i realised many people around me,or at least i know of, are having a hard decision deciding where to go or what to do after they didn't make it. I realised it's not in numbers but now in groups. As i blog hop, i realised the smiles that hid their tear shrieked face. Honestly, i don't know what to tell them. It hasn't been an easy road up till now, from being anxious over every single day in school to PW to Chinese to perhaps the endless number of common block tests or exams every week. But maybe when you look back, those were the meaningful times that you worked so hard for, and maybe even though they might not have paid off, but at least you can look back and it and tell yourself, i've did all i can. If this is it, i can't do anything about it?

Then again, i was blog hopping and realised many liked this song a lot.

Park Shin Hye - Without Words

I shouldnt have done that,
I should have pretended not to know
like I didnt see it, like I couldnt see it
I shouldnt have looked at you in the first place

I should have run away,
I should have pretended I wasnt listening
like I didnt hear it, like I couldnt hear it
I shouldnt have heard your love in the first place

Without a word you made me know love
Without a word you gave me love
Because you took just a breath and ran away like this
Without a word love leaves me
Without a word love abandons me
Wondering what to say next, my lips were surprised
Because it came without a word.

Sometimes, i really feel this way, perhaps not knowing anything from the start would have been better. Then again, i would never like to let go isn't it? Sometimes, i really don't know what to say. Like how on earth do you expect me to feel when i lose control over myself. "Get a fucking grip on yourself.". Yes i should, before i lose control over my thoughts and everything starts over again, and again. I shouldn't have knew, but i need to, of course i want to, because it's what that feeds me meaning to my very existence. Then again i dream of the many possibilities out there, but i really hope that there'd only be one possibility and that's about it.

Holidays have been spent going out one day after another until my mother decided to scold me and all. I mean all along she's been complaining about the lack of my outgoing personality, and so i decided to reverse that fact. But apparently, now i'm hanging out too much for my own good, sometimes i really wonder what parents really want with their children. Just what can we as children do, to please them? Get the best of results? Listen to what they have to say? Be a good boy/girl? Stay at all? Trust me, i tried all that, it never seem to work, or at least, for my parents. I don't know how to please them anymore.

Everytime i try to be nice to someone, somehow, my attempts weren't appreciated maybe. I find myself in deep shit conversations after conversations. Often, not because the opposite party did anything wrong, but because it's like I'm trying to be nice, what more do you want to ask for. I'm trying my best, trying really hard. But this is the maximum that i could go. Could you ask for more? Sometimes, i really wish things would just go the way you wanted it to be. Oh wells below is perhaps, an example.

Me: "Fuck it's been quiet for a day, -gasp-. I've been stoning at my friend's house but whatever. Maybe i shouldn't talk to anyone/sign in on msn today, just for today."

After 5 minutes of stoning...

I caved in..

*Signs in on msn*

*Hmm maybe you don't want to talk to me tonight. Then i shall keep quiet*

Another 10 minute later...

*OKAY OKAY, i shall try to be nice and TRY my best not to flare up and talk to you.*

*Ends up thinking about the most random stuff on Earth while having the conversation*

*Tense situation..*

Me: "I should stop affecting you. bye."

Well, i guess someone can laugh at me now hur? Looks like i gave in a lot, but i never once considered how the other party feels. I'm so selfish sometimes. Maybe, you may be much better off without me sometimes. I've got a lonely month ahead of me and i should and got to figure out something before insanity takes over me.

Yesterday or maybe Today, i had the most random dream i could have. I dreamt I shot at someone, well there's a lot of characters now-.- And i think after doing my project on Cyber Bullying, i should not mention names, so you got to bear with all the somebody/someone. And then a teacher confiscated my phone-.- And then that very same teacher whom can never seem to do pumping ends up in some random NCC photo-.-" And then it felt like the last day of school.. And i dreamt of all the possibilities that we could have been. All the teasing,all those beautiful moments, all those times spent together, and I hold you close but i don't know how you feel. Then i lost you, tried to call, but didn't manage through. I was lost and when i finally saw you, my Big Bang alarm RANG IN MY FACE IN REALIFE. Gawwd, what great timing.

Perhaps, those moments were nothing but a dream.

Labels: Dream, Holidays, PW, Wedding Dress