These few days, i've been feeling weird once again. Somehow, i often find myself in a daze thinking about things that might happen, whether is it what's my future career like or just relationships.. Never the less i'm certain now that i've never let it go. something that i held on even though i said "I give up". This giving up perhaps is only a deceiving method to tell myself that i have to in order for everything to cool down. Perhaps, that's the impulsive me. Deciding things based on my first instuition. first instinct. Well, often i thought this first decision is what i really wanted. Then i realised i was wrong. Right at this moment. Maybe, it's because of the recent happenings that i found myself in such a dilemma. Is she trying to be friendly or what. I mean "we could still be friends." most of the time failed. Because in the eyes of the one you hurted, it way too painful to see you just as friend while the you finds it too hard to distinguish between friends and beyond friends because there are merely a line away from one another. Frankily, i just need her to tell me that it's still possible between us that i'd be willing to do the rest but in this case i doubt that'd ever happen. Perhaps this "yes" is such a hard word to get from her. Or rather if in the worst case i rather she treats me like an enemy than just a friend cause at least i know you hated me, perhaps that'd make me give up, even if it's just a little. What is it that i've done wrong. Perhaps that flaw in my personality is the root cause of all these. Then again, it maybe my looks, whether is it personality or looks, i wanna show all, if not most of my true self to the one i really loved, because i want her to know that i want all these to work, a workable relationship is something i seek.

All these feelings bottled within of me, even replicating it here doesn't seem to help.. What can i do..

Suddenly, i'm starting to hate this school, the people, the environment for no effing reason. Maybe this unspeakable hatred is something that came out of this should i say failed pursue? On the day that i received back my 'O' levels, i want to just run away from that place, that sickening place that i suffered in. I dunno why, it's not as if i'm being tortured physically, or i should say mentally, but the experiences that came through me are somethings that have perhaps ignited the pre-planted landmines in my heart. Then again this perhaps at the end is a karma. In the immatured years of my life, i wasn't someone who'd thought of things thoroughly and i realised only when i started to grow that "no" may mean one thing to you and another matter all together to another. Maybe i put that rejection too bluntly, but now that i realised i've hurt you a lot. To that person, i could only say Sorry.. Something i guess i forgotten to put after No. But how does this help, karma already knocked on my doors, perhaps that's a way to repay whatever wrong i've done in the past.

Putting all that behind for now. Christmas was suppose to be a season of joy and giving. However, there's this song that goes like All I want for christmas is 'you'. Last year, on Christmas, i wished upon the sky that i'd spend 2007's christmas and onwards with that "You". Perhaps there's isn't any fallen star to wish upon, but still this year i'm still alone on this cold christmas night alone in the comfort of my bed. I seemed to have everything but yet i've none. Perhaps only those that walked the same path as me would understand the irony behind it, but yet not everyone existence was for the same purpose, not to mention they would have different experiences to begin with.

Been watching Devil Beside You, a taiwan drama. As i watched it,many thoughts began to fill my mind. My selfishness, unthoughtfulness and whichever negative traits that i might have, whatever i went through just made me full again, to the point i felt i couldn't contain them. Maybe more of these kind of posts are expected but i can't promise.

Several photos i took over the past week(s) with my phone, upload them again next time.

Guys and girls have different worlds to begin with, differnt thinkings, different perceptions, however, it's only when these two very different world collide will they make one, one world that truly belonged to their own. At the end of every post i used to post sth i wish would happen but i guess i will still do it now since i realised i didn't give up at all. i wish our world to collide!

Labels: Feeling., Fill, Giving up, Promise