http://markmanson.net/being-average#.coagcd:9qZw

The above article mentions how life is like a bell curve. I think it is rather accurate description of reality, albeit some people gets exceptional at more things than some. I think that I am like the part of the 60% of the bell curve that lies as average. Maybe, I'm average at studying, slightly better at understanding Mathematical concept, getting better at Dota, but extremely bad at communications. While I don't have anything exceptional, but I hope one day I am able be really good at something. That's why I work hard when I think I like something. However, time does not spare us. For example, I tried to be good at bridge, but it takes lots of time and effort to be truly good at it. Considering university is rather taxing, especially so when my modules require me to do lots of learning of technology outside of class, I can only be this good.

Often, I feel apologetic towards the seniors that have put in much effort in trying to make us good at Contract Bridge. Whether is it Elicia and Benjamin back in high school or now SJ and Langston in my current bridge club, every time I stopped going for bridge, the remorse I feel is real. Then again, life is hard to get by without truly moving on from somethings. Even though very often, I relate strangers to people in the past, but deep down inside, I know it is futile and it is pointless in trying to remember these people. So, I moved on, though still fond of those memories.

I think I'm slipping into a mid life crisis. Is this my 23 or 24? I can't remember the last time I tried to stop and count how many of my years went by just like that. I don't want regrets, yet I kept sinking into spirals. I hate them. That's one side of me that never changed. How do people change so easily and yet I remained stagnant for years.

These days, I keep running into things that I can't do. I can't do them because of various reasons. Laziness, or just simply not being able to persevere enough. Perhaps, I keep giving myself excuses of doing it another day. What happened to that persistence side of me that kept me going up to date. I wish change was easy to make and adapt. Nobody likes change. Everyone loves to live in the moment (provided they are happy), but the cruel truth is that time does not spare anyone.

The clock is ticking and I'm just letting opportunities slip by. This is the prime of my life and I ought to do something about it, before I regret it.

HELLO WORLD! It's been such a long long long ... since I've blogged anything at all. Even the interface for blogger has changed ): Shows how ancient and outdated I've been keeping up with these. I see one page view, apparently someone has been following ;o Ok, maybe cause it's locked and only some people can view it. Well, whenever I come here, some things probably don't go the way they are supposed to be right now in my life. Today's her birthday. Well, I think in the midst of trying, sometimes you lose people as friends. Sometimes Always, I wish I didn't lose her as a friend, I missed the times where we had so much to say, purely on interests. I sincerely hope she's doing well. Ok, I'm sick and probably not feeling well to type coherently and I should probably be taking care of myself instead of thinking all these nonsense. Nonetheless. It's 12:33am and I'm listening to YES93.3 and it doesn't help that they are playing all the nice songs that I used to listen back then. Oh, I've also started school at NUS.

It's been a long time since I bring myself to blog. It's not that I have no time or that I don't have anything to write about, rather I can't bring myself to. To write about my thoughts that are fragmented. So. December was filled with offs and leaves and whatnots. I guess I'm kinda glad that there's consistent offs and leaves like holidays in school, but sometimes I get very irritated. Irritated meaning the disruption of training. It's like they make you train so hard and put you on a long break, expecting miracles to happen at the IPPT the day after you booked in. Just defies all logic. Also, sometimes I wonder why I try so hard to try and get silver for IPPT after failing so many times, literally. It's like IDK. I go gym, follow training program, but just can't seem to make it. I don't know if it's my body or myself that's preventing me from getting it. I looked at the calender, a month to one year soldier and my state, as though no difference from the start state. I wonder why.

Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia… You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you’ll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present.

I can't seem to fight the impending future. Like the rumours of 2012, the presence of an afterlife, life and death. I get so overwhelmed sometimes just by thinking about them and realising I'm actually not living in the present at all. I wonder if people actually think about the future, like really go into the details. E.g tomorrow, I'm gonna run 4km along xxx road, come back have beehoon for breakfast, read newspaper for an hour and so on so forth. That amount of details. I don't know if anyone does. And so what if he or she does? There just have to be a single change in the chain of events to lead to a chance in your whole plan of the future. And my question boils down to is there truly a need to think about the future? Personally, I always end off these thoughts with the thought of me hugging her, because it gives me a sense of comfort maybe through all these adversities, there's perhaps something constant - her.

January - CNY. I've been an arch enemy of salmon, killing off their kind almost every other day. From what I remembered I ate Yu Sheng for like 5-6 times for the whole of 15 days of CNY. Oh, anyway I received an Ang Bao from my CO with a movie ticket in it. Sometimes, I wonder if this is part of his plan for keeping everyone in the battlion with him, or is he just this giving towards everybody. Even so, I don't know one can be so willing to give. I mean the whole idea of the instincts of survival is for oneself and so what actually develops this opposite side of it. IDK, but all I know is I've taken another 5, not extras but kg off the long break during CNY. I highly suspect that is the bane of my failure to do any pull ups right now.


Ytd, I looked at someone getting promoted and invoked some jealousy within myself. Sometimes, I looked at them and wondered what they did to deserve this but subsequently I convinced myself that maybe it's just I fucked up somewhere. Well, I mean that has to be the reason why we ended up in this fucked up place. My only consolation is perhaps having a new BSO who drives us crazy with work and rewards us according. That makes time in camp pass by faster and more worthwhile and enriching. Also, I was just being sent on the 3 days CCAC (Combat Casualty Aid Course). For everyone who said stayout was a good idea, it definitely is not when your camp is like miles away and you have no convenient means to get there. I woke up at 4.45 for the 3 days straight. My god, I almost died. Also, the finale which was the IV drip that we had to do on each other was pretty screwed up. My friend poked through my vein, literally. I had a pretty bad blue black after that. Actually I was quite fail also because I don't really know what to do and the tendency of me mumbling when I'm not confident doesn't help. Sucks to be me.

I shall stop, whining now, to a screaming mother.

Life. I've been thinking a lot lately but I can't seem to put them into words.. Times like especially pre and post operations, I had time to sit snugly on my commercial bus and look out during the long ride, just thinking about stuff.

The weather's been bad, been raining despite me at outfield. Honestly outfield doesn't feel as bad as it used to be already. Maybe it's due to the fact that I'm used to it and I tried to get used to it cause I'm gonna do this for at least another 1.5 years. Wish this could finish right now, LIKE NOW. I hate camo cream and the fact that they gave us $50 more for combat pay just to buy camo cream. Btw, one tube of that thing cost $3. Gah.. People in SP company are pretty screw up too, not moving, not responsible, not ON TIME AT ALL. I think that was where I got my late syndrome from..

Idris: The best thing about army is timing Ironically, they don't keep to it.

Bookout this friday was supposed to be at 6+ and it eventually got dragged to around 8. Nights out(omg like finally after a month plus) this week was supposed to be 6+ too but we went out at 7. I really really hate this and especially people don't quite appreciate you for tanking shit (by shit I literally meant shit work). Noisy OCS drop out and GG gang alike, that's what mono in take is all about. Maybe it's a good thing they abolish the system but I'm predicting that more screwed up commanders are gonna come along. There's always a good and bad side to things but somehow when people talk about these things, they'll end up just siding with one side. Maybe this is human..

Sometimes, I feel sorry cause I really don't have enough time for everyone. Every week, I had only 48 hours out of the prison, I don't know how I could live life like I used to be. Friends. Maybe I'll leave army with just those who ORD-ed with me. They'd probably be my only friends left. Even so, they're screwed up in their very own ways. I need to get out of SP company. I know a thousand apologies couldn't make up for the lost time, but I guess this is all I could say now. A single sorry.

I've been thinking about my career, or future for that matter. Over this weekend, I've been reading my sgt's gf's blog. My sgt obviously knows he made the wrong decision to sign on, but I don't know if it's because he was really keen on being a regular or cause he wanted money to spend. Makes me wonder if you have to do what you really want to do or just cause you do what you should do. Like e.g, you work because you want to work or do you work because you have to work. I'm gonna study in a specialised subject and makes me wonder am I gonna want to do what I want to do or do just for the sake of it..

Parting's made harder. Week by week.I just want to hold you in my arms.

I woke up today to a raining scene outside my window. Sometimes, I wish the windows aren't like just right in front of me, otherwise it wouldn't have defined my mood before I start the day. I was kinda reminded of that day when I cried and cried but still have to study for some major exams. It didn't really dawn on me that that incident had such a big impact on me until I went through today. Traumatic experiences are hard to forget right? I wish my life then was a blank so I don't have to deal with it now. To whoever made it happen, aren't you glad now? That you didn't only cause me temporary pain but something that'll stay with me, possibly for the rest of my life? Though I know you're no where near coming to reading this, you've succeeded?

Recently, I've bought my new diary.. In fact last week. So I'll be here less and there more. I find that there are more and more things I couldn't bear to write here anymore so... And I don't really know anyone's actually reading anymore because no one tags anymore.

I think I used to be this pessimist (in fact I think I still am, just not as bad). The world's dark and all, why do life keep throwing things at me which I don't even understand why I must go through all these. But I guess as things happen, I find that a lot of these can't be helped, like how I'm stuck serving my 2 years when people are already going thru their uni. So, I guess all I can believe is these 2 years will be well spent and worthwhile while it last.

I think the week... has been mrc-ish. Doing the same stuff outfield, only more complicated slightly.. Connecting telephone lines which subsequently got cut by sgts, having to fix it.. walking 2.4km trying to lay cables is such a chore and the forced preparation kills too. I've spent almost every night trying to finish rolling up wires into packs I can use for my vehicle. I said I want to do something like MRC when I go out to work but I never thought of it in this way, doing it in the forest or something. Homework kills too. My weekend.. Dammit. And next week's my IPPT, I'm so gonna fail Gah.. Studying and not exercising and eating a lot more than I should.. All these totally doesn't help.

I've been so tired from everything. Looks like becoming a Man isn't that easy.. You probably suffer as much as a commander, but at least they get more pay and get to enjoy slightly later. Don't want things to happen.. Don't want to go to 5SIR, don't want time to move.. The only thing's keeping me alive's probably every weekend. It's a bit like finally it's weekend, TGIF?

Last week, ate at Sakae and like kind of went overboard with the 'red sushi' thing. Nya, I think i've been led astray or something, but I'm not as perfect as I would like myself to be. 'eat', 'hungry', I'm like a kid sometimes. Subsequently, went around scape looking at the mini F1 thing which is quite fail, cause the circuit was so fail and so many cars were running at the same time. Then came the having to go home early part. I think actually I shouldn't be staying out so late after that theft case, so yeah. Had to go home early, cause it would seem impossible to send her home and make it home any time near on time.. Then came that emotional moments.. My heart ached so much and I was in a mess not knowing what's right and wrong, what's for the better or worse. But one thing for certain I can tell is that she's for real.

This week, went to Kbox. The server was blur, think he lost some credit card or something. So he kinda barge in for a few times. Went to walk around scape too. I guess it's like a normal date? Only we watched the fireworks again like last week. The fireworks from NDP this year's pretty, really. Even though I don't quite enjoy the view when I'm alone at home and I kinda got used to seeing fireworks, but still I think this time was different? I think it's the company that matters. Pretty things are meant to be shared. I think our relationship's like fireworks. Cause... It's like pretty for a moment like how we are during the weekends and then it's gone. There's like 2 ways to look at the fireworks? It's like wow so pretty so bright and the other side of it, it doesn't last? I was staring at her for a brief moment, hoping time would stop and the staring wouldn't. Guess time doesn't have feelings and it's cruel nature doesn't give anyone any chances. Not even us.

It gets harder and harder as time goes by...

First week at Signal Institute sure is great. The life's like back in Leopard, only slightly more demanding in terms of studying and all. It's like back to school again and I have to study those stupid stuff which I can't even apply in life. What's more most of them involved Physics. Guess I couldn't run away from it after all. I feel kind of cheated after knowing that I'm going to get sent to 5SIR after this whole signaller thing, which effectively is 7 more weeks from now. Field camp's about the only thing I hate about army and they had to send me there for more field camp. Doesn't all make sense when most of the time we're fighting in Urban terrain. Life's gonna be tough in the next unit, Silver min. for IPPT, 3 PTs in a day, outfield, burnt weekends.. Tell me what to do. How can I survive through all these, at the same time having enough time for her, my friends and family. Tell me...

So people out there, whose not going through army or at least not in commandos, guards or infantry, be glad. At the very least your field camp frequency isn't of that much a concern and your weekends are probably secured. I really wish I can screw this whole NS thing right now and like just live in some other country or something. Constantly pushing me to my limits. People do break down sometimes? It's what that makes you stronger if you make it through but really break you deep inside if you don't. Sucks to be men but well this is what men does. Just follow instructions and like get dragged along by your commanders. Just wanted to say signaller's job isn't that simple too, in case if you think that way.

I want to sometimes just stab myself and die or like walk onto the highway and just get knocked down. But I can't, not that I don't want to, but I'm like stuck between agony and life.

My neighbour was being annoying, though I wouldn't describe him as that normally. Scholarships, it's not like I even qualify so like just shut up for a while when I get through this turbulent state of figuring out how to go on with my life. Wet nights, wasted tears, flooding emotions, incoherent thoughts, when will this end?

It doesn't bode well when I get stone when I go out with her. It's not like I want to, but I can't help it but keep thinking about things, like in general things that went on this week. Can't help but feel uncertain about my future, don't even know whether I'm really that interested in my Uni course, don't even know if I'd just die the day after tomorrow. The sun rises and sets, but I don't walk alongside time, I just get dragged along. Times passes slower, just that how you'd travel a shorter distance if you get dragged instead of walking. I don't really know how to forget the past, enjoy the present and not worry about the future. Guess I'm not living my life well, at least well to the fullest. Life.

My life now is like a flower, reaching the end of summer.

And so... I just POP-ed last Sun. Finally out of tekong? No more ferries? No more buses only MRTs. I was a bit.. reluctant to march the whole thing and it doesn't quite help when I keep thinking about the distances. 4km always felt longer in a foreign place? It's no wonder they keep extending beyond the stipulated mileage? Trust me? 24km is not really 24km, so good luck with whoever's marching. It was damn bad especially the last part towards the last check point. They told us it's only 1.5km to the next check point and you will get 30min of rest? But ended up it was all a lie? It's actually 4km till the next check point before you get 30min rest to continue on with 1.5km. Idk if all these were real but all I know is lies really hurts? At least in this case physically. The flyer actually got nearer (which means we were kinda near to our destination) but then after a while it got further away. Guess we would have just died. Ironic how someone said he wouldn't fall out but eventually he did. Life's filled with liars?

So finally it was at the platform, the parade kinda sucked? Maybe cause we're all tired. Everyone could have done it? It's a matter of one giving up and everyone else fails. The whole throwing of jockey cap was this great feeling, like I'm finally done with something? 4 months of agony? 4 months seemed effing long?.. Like finally. After that I met up with my parents and subsequently her :D You know I think I need to start to keep a diary so that I can write things I can't write about here in there. She came over to my house and like watched me sleep. I wonder what my parents said to her or the other way round? Sometimes, it's these little things that keep me pondering. She left before I woke up.. My parents asked her to go home. My parents are overbearing sometimes -gasp- If only she didn't leave right?..

If there's one thing army taught me, that would be how to take care of someone? I remembered my encik saying, "Your parents hand you all over to me, if we can't make you a better man, the least we could do is to return you back to your parents in one piece?" I think this is why I like the whole essence of a warrant company, even though people might complain it's slack and all, I think they teach you how to treat people proper and of course take care of people who meant a lot to you?

Monday went out with her. Went around visiting the usual places we'd visit - the pet shop gift shops,etc, then we sat at the sky garden for a really long time. We were P-ing each other and talking for a really long time. But sometimes, we were quiet. I think sometimes people run out of things to say to each other not because they don't want to talk to one another but because life has so much and it's not really that much after all. We almost K-ed each other until the fountain started spraying water at us. We were all wet.. No wonder no one sat near the grass? After that Dorothy called then she talked to her for like 30min? hahaha. Bought dinner subsequently from Giant. Swear Giant gives us too much memories?((: Had sushi and donuts for dinner! I think after army I got this can't be bothered to put things subtly cause people don't get it one bit i.e. eff K. Then I lost my first kiss. First french kiss? Don't ask me why, but it somehow became that. Then my bag got stolen from beside me. Like right before my eyes. That son of a gun took my bag and banged it against the pole. Not realising it, I only heard the knocking sound and all I saw was the guy running away. Before I know, my bag was gone. Couldn't find the guy, lost a lot of my stuff that !@#$. Sigh. That was it. Found an accomplice, made a police report. I think at that point I was more worried about making her stay? By then the police took my statement down, it was already 2am+. I was feeling useless albeit she kept saying it's not my fault? Felt bad cause it wasn't even her fault that she had to stay out late. Bad memory, I guess.. But it's okay, we'll forget it and move on?

Tuesday, we kinda like fought for a bit? I know I disappoint her? But I'm just not ready yet? Sorry? We were crazy over the phone and I don't know why my heart hurts so much and the river just keeps on flowing. Went over to her house for a while and she started P-ing me again ): If only it made her happy, I dun mind just sitting there and not moving at all. She was in her red sushi hahaha (only we'd get it) and we found it hard to leave. It's just so hard? I left before her parents came home. I'm just not ready to see them. Thanks to the love sage? If not I think I would have died a million times over.

Wednesday, went over to the park near her house for a while? I think I love park dates cause it's like even though we're doing the same thing over and over but it still feels like falling in love over and over again? Save the details? Went to Macs for lunch and went back to school for handover. Couldn't bear to leave again? It was so bad... Much worse than in camp? I thought it'd be awkward going in between the ceremony so I went to collect my SGC first before going in. To my horror, when I went in, it was the VP OPS handover and they announced my name-_-" After that we went to the canteen to just talk to the juniors and stuff. I was totally annoyed at the conversation between Mr Foo and me. I think he should just shut up before I draw something on his orange car. Went Clementi mall to eat at Ajisens. Exco meeting, felt so much like the one at Subway at holland V (was my first one), only we're not really talking about MRC anymore.

Once, I heard your heartbeat. They were like drums. Only faster. So much so I wanted to hold you tight and just caress you and tell you it's okay. I'm not going anywhere without you and I'm never letting you go? I was foolish to say those things once and I hope I'll never do it again? I just want you to feel secure when you're with me. I've probably never held a girl like this before but you'd be the first and the last one.

Friday, posting. Got into Signals. Knew that I wouldn't make it to SCS. Have you ever tried that coin thing. When you flip the coin into the sky and suddenly you know what your heart is wishing for? I never tried and I never want to know. I thought my only aim to go into army is to probably get fit and come out a better man? I guess command school may be a bonus but it's not something I'm meant for? Maybe it's a chance? A chance to spend more time with her? I don't know this is all good or bad. No PT at all.. I actually love PT, something I realised not too long ago. I can only sigh about it but this is life and there's nothing I can do about it.

I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane.

WANT.


Though I can't help but feel helpless. This is like so familiar. The same situation a year ago, I don't want it to happen to us. Never. I find myself sinking into helpless despair recently, only to be saved by the hopes you gave me. I want to believe in all those hopes, that we're just different, that we'll be strong and that there will not be you and I but just us, in the next 2 years and this whole lifetime, I want to believe you're worth it, the pain, the longing and heartaches that you'd bring me. You're worth it.

xoxo.

Labels: xoxo