Sometimes, you watch shows, you get withdrawal syndrome. Like because the show got you so emotionally involved. Ahh the show <<向日葵的约定>> is one of them T_T Shucks. It talks about a girl with a mentality of 10 but physically 17 who likes sunflower. So she met this guy at a bakery where she worked at. As time passes, she realises she likes him a lot, but with a mentality of 10, what does that really mean actually. So the parents found out and obviously stopped them from continuing to progress as just friends. And so the guy brought the girl to Thailand because her wish was just so she could see a field of sunflowers. Then, she did a lot of stuff that was even though simple-minded yet something so touching because the innocence really shone amongst the city. Honestly, I don't feel like continuing because it's really sad T_T

Sometimes, I really hope in the midst of everything, someone would be true without you any implied meaning behind every words he or she said. I mean it's those kind whereby there isn't really any restrain to the point it really sounded like it came from someone without any mentality. But that's when everyone's true to one another, when they do say heartfelt words, or maybe even communicate your own point across clearly, precisely. But in life, circumstances place us in a difficult situation because we all have intelligence and we all didn't want to hurt anyone in the process of speaking anything, therefore, we learn to restrain, withholding certain truths from friends, from people who care about us. Because for one simple reason, you don't want to worry people. But sometimes, the lesser you say, the more it backfires. But yes, of course dreams are after all just dreams, not like I can do anything to fulfill it because we're living in 21st century and not during the stone age.

Despite so, often when walking halfway through the journey, we often wish for certain things or certain things to happen. That's when our heart desires are revealed. Then again, often we forgot, these things are often just what we want and actually in the midst of wanting these things, we forgot what we have. Many simple things we have we take for granted, but there are certain less fortunate people who don't even have what we basically have. For example in the show, the girl wished for herself to be just like us, a normal person and not one of mentality of 10 when she well 17. It's something we take for granted that yes, we will grow up and it's what should happen. But we forget there are people who can't grow up, who can't possibly be 'normal' in that sense. Suddenly, I realised I'm so selfish, so unsatisfied with what I have right now that I want more, but I keep forgetting what I have is already a lot, what I have is really what a lot of people don't. Just why am I asking for more?

Anyway, today on the train, I was pondering about something. Like, I started breathing consciously. At that very moment, I felt alive. It's like you've been consciously breathing in air and it does show that you're alive and then dawn upon you that it's such a great thing to even be alive in the first place. So why even seek death or whatever, because being alive is yet the biggest gift that you could possibly ask for. Because only then when you're actually involved in the action itself, then you realised what you really missed out. Of course, I can't imagine my selfish stopped breathing anytime.

Humans are such selfish creatures. Today, I went to Sintex warehouse sale. For those of you who doesn't know, Sintex sells bedsheets and stuff like this. And so there's this 20 piece special. Like whole bed set with comforters cost only $19 which was a big slash from $100+++. (Btw, I have no sense of how much they cost actually). And so, they placed these 20 sets under a piece of cloth and when they took it away, everyone just grabbed any set they could find. So the last set ended two ladies in an argument. And it got me thinking, humans are really selfish, they do things in the best interest of themselves without a thought for others. If everyone has a mentality of 10, I think the world would really be a simple and nice place to live in.

I think recently I've learnt things through the hard way. Realising certain things myself which I never had before had made me rearrange my priorities. I've decided on certain things and I do hope I follow through. Of course, leaving it all escaping from all these is still an open option I guess, but I'm gonna try to face it first before I make up my mind.

I don't need roses because Sunflowers are now the most important things in my life now.

Labels: Life, Sunflower, 向日葵的约定

xxmrcasanovax:
So, its been a while since I posted something out of my heart, soul, and mind here. Here’s something to think about for those guys who are nice and something pertaining about relationships to relate. For the past few weeks, I had discussions about relationships with a few friends of mine. Everything is still going to be the same at the end. Regardless of what situation it is. As I get older, I understand what I want more, see how people really act, and see who can handle someone to be in a relationship. I don’t know how to put it this way, nice guys always end up last. I have realized the nice guy will always be a good friend; nothing more. He may be lead on to thinking he likes some girl deeply, soon enough to fall for them, but then to realize she disappears. From what I have noticed, the girl goes for the guy who they think they can change. They don’t want a guy who is mere perfect because they’re afraid that relationship will get boring. Thus, everyone always needs something to complain about. All the nice guy can do is just sit there and listen to how someone can complain while the right one was there the whole time. Meanwhile, the nice guy continues to grow more depressed wondering “where is that one special girl I can share my life with?” A girl wants an asshole who she think she can change, yet they know in the long run, they might get hurt. Its a never-ending story in a sense for looking for the perfect relationship. Every person who is in a relationship always somehow has a downfall to the relationships they have. No one doesn’t fully open up or they hide things. Lately, I have seen a lot of relatinhips in front of me have went down the drain. It makes me wonder if people are really going for love or just lust. Also things assholes will do to make a nice guy to fall back (ie. going to their work and talking out of their ass to get someone fired and basically off the girl they’ve been trying to get with). I really hate how most guys out there don’t understand how to treat a girl out. As my most favorite quote so far from a recent song, “He’ll show you the minor things…But I’ll show you the finer things,” becomes more of a true statement for us nice guys who really want to give it their all to a girl they actually start to care deeply about. Hopefully that person won’t be taken for granted for, but you never know. I have always said this that nice guys always end up last because its true. I’ve been the socalled “perfect boyfriend” but I haven’t found The Lady of my Life yet. I have so far learned from experience on how to relate to litterally everything these days that even pertain to relationships. Sometimes I feel like I have wasted my time, but at the same time, I feel like I have gotten somewhere. Its been months I have been single and I sigh from it time to time. I see couples everywhere I go. Its quite irritating to me now. As much as I know its better to be off single at the moment, I’d rather take my time to get to know one person and get closer with her. I consider myself a victim in a sense for being a nice guy. Us nice guys are taken for granted or we’re there at the wrong time. Better yet, people who start drama usually messes up everything in the long run, which basically happened not to long ago for me. Every night I go outside just to let my mind out. Honestly, it hasn’t really worked. My mind is still all over the place. Passing by people I know, doesn’t even help at all. For those of you who wish I stay miserable, you guys got it. I have went to a point of “Why be nice if no one won’t recognize you or even take you serious when you try to get into a relationship?” There’s no point. Someone once told me, “Expect the Unexpected,” and I did believe it. It was all good until it backfired on me dramatically. I can’t even ask people for help since they go to me for advice. I’m tired of being Hitch already. When is it my turn to be happy once more? This whole “Looking for a relationship” feels like a rollercoaster. One minute your happy, the next minute your sad. I want off that rollercoaster already. I wanna stay happy. Right now, I feel like I just lost someone I started giving in for. No responses or anything. Was it just a long dream? I still ponder that. Still, I wonder if people believe the rumors they hear about me. Why must people believe rumors when they know that person is not even like that? Eh, and people say I’m gullible. I have stood up for my beliefs, my truthfulness, and my heart. Once more, I have to say this; You want to get to know the real me? Go to me first before listening to others. And one more time I’m going to say this (to someone I hope she knows), I do really like you. You already heard it from me in person, on the phone, through texts, through basically everything. I have not spoke to any other girl, but you. I’m just waiting for you to tell me upfront that you either want to get closer or you found someone else. Its that simple.. Well, I’m done speaking my mind out right now. I still have more thinking to do, just so little time to even say it out loud. Regards -Ivan

Just saw this around in tumblr. Tumblr is really a great medium to like retain things that you read and are meaningful. Hmm, it's just like another blog but it enables you to reblog things from other people haha. A pity, it's like late realisation :x But never mind never mind, I still can use it now :DDD

And so pertaining to the quote from above. I really feel it's true, at least for the most of it ever since a few events took place around me. Like really the most nice people can get or be is probably just being a good friend, they can't possibly be something more, because somehow somewhere, something went wrong. As for what kind of guys girls go for, I'm really in no position to say anything because I'm not a girl (duh). I tried being an asshole sometimes, honestly, but obviously it didn't work, if not I wouldn't be here writing this kind of stuff. And of course, from this I've learnt that life dramas aren't good for the souls, especially in a relationship, because it would for 99% of it end up to nothing. As for looking at couples everywhere on Orchard Road, though it sets me off thinking about what is really lacking in me like every now and then, I'm actually quite used to it. Not because it's been a long time since I started doing that but because it's different for every situation you're in. There's one thing I do know though, it's that I don't want to end up last. Of course, my father always tell me girls are everywhere, you don't need to stay at where you are just because you can't get over it. You've got to move on and not do silly things (Of course the intention is to make sure I don't do anything stupid). Then again, it brings me to the point, jerks will always be a jerk, they can pretend to be angels, but angels can't possibly pretend to be jerks because they don't know how to be one to begin with, because they don't know what's the difference between good and bad, having not tasted what is bad. Maybe if I went on, I'm probably just rambling which is bad. Sigh, yes I'm a jerk.

Monday, went gym with Samuel. He was late for an hour!-.- Yeah, so ended up solo-ing for the most part of it. After which met Wen Jun for lunch at TB's Macs. Mcvalue lunch ftw! haha, too bad I think I got over the dcf craze. Because there's Macafe there now! Hohoho, but too bad, you have to get over things one day, maybe it's a matter of time. Someone once told me ”时间会冲淡一切“. At first, I never believed in it, because I was blinded by what was in front of it. Then, I went on to experience it and then I discovered it was true. Time perhaps is the best cure for things like this. Yesterday, I can't sleep even at 1am. Then again, I fell asleep eventually, just like how you would give in eventually. But I woke up at 4 freaking am again. Then I couldn't fall asleep again. I realised the reason of course and tried to force myself back to sleep despite all that. And so, I didn't go gym with Samuel as planned, heh, sorry. Waking up irritated, of course the whole day went like shit. But never mind, it's not like I can do anything about it right? Because this is life I'm trying to deal with.

Hmm, so why did it hurt when it all didn't begin at all. Was I disappointed or was I just a little not over it.

Labels: OSYC

Level 1: Puppy Love

Kindergarten through high school. Little boys and little girls whispering to their friends, “OMG he’s so cute and cool; I wish he was my boyfriend! I hope he asks me to prom.” They have no idea how a relationship works out and probably have never even heard of the word “date” or have gone on a legitimate “date.” They’ll hear from a friend of a friend that so-and-so is going to ask you out, so you decide to say yes to your friend who is going to pass the message to a friend of a friend of so-and-so so you and so-and-so can go out… how complicating. You say you’re in love at first sight and that you want to marry whoever your “date” is. You break up, you cry, you blog, you status update, you twitter, and you try to get any attention from the entire world to feel bad for you; and you don’t even realize that your personalities didn’t match in the first place… then you get over it the next day when the jock from the basketball team asks you out.

Level 2: The College Years

Exactly as the level says: the college years. So you’re over little boys and little girls and all their fake games and shallowness; you want a real love. You decide that you’re going to start dating people and getting to know them instead of falling in love at first sight… so you try really hard to impress the other person; you dress nice, you compose yourself, you act differently, and you change yourself so that this other person falls for you. In the end, you probably end up getting into a “long-term” relationship and the experience you gain is absolutely incomparable. You think, “so this is love?” Then priorities start to change, stresses from all over the place come at you because you’re transitioning into an “individual” person rather than a “dependent,” arguments start and break-ups happen. In the end, you wonder, “How could I give my all to someone and sacrifice so much to them but they don’t feel the same back?” You have to hate the other person in order to get over them. You have the mentality: It’s better to love and lost then to never of have loved at all right? Oh well, I have so many other things on my mind that I have to worry about… I don’t have time for a significant other; I’m fine being single and I’m not looking for anything serious.

Level 3: Welcome to the Real World

Post graduate dating and relationships. What can I say? It’s a level of maturity that is only reached through experience; experience that you gain from going through the first two levels of maturity. You date people, as in, you date more than one person. This is because dating is dating; it’s nothing serious. And not only that, you date someone a very long time before actually making it official. You want to make sure that you guys are compatible; no fakeness, no playing games, and no facades; you act like yourself and if it works out it works out and if it doesn’t then I’ll try my luck with someone else. There’s no hating if it doesn’t work because you realize that you’re over that phase and you completely understand that your personalities didn’t match. EVENTUALLY you’ll date someone a very long time, become official after being very sure of each other, become very serious, and transition into life partners.

I think i'm somewhere in the 2nd level, i guess. What could I say. I totally feel it's okay, I can be alone, right?..

Trying to recall whatever happened during the course of the past week.

Saturday.
Did guitar x'mas concert. Slow rehearsal + slow planning + slow preparing for event + slow figuring out which lights in lt4 are working = Sleepy me. Sleepyhead! Oh wells, having just plain guitar for the whole day is truly boring ): I totally need some real music to wake me up! I was this close to throwing the key and just taking a break from all these. I don't know what kind of force/mindset kept me back, but I do know it's over and I don't know how long I could possibly bring myself to press on. After all, I'm just another lost sheep trying to figure it's way out.

Monday.
I went gym for the first time out of motivation along with Daniel and Samuel. Well, actually, I wanted to train up for very long already, just so I could fulfill certain things like maybe carry someone for life. mm yeah. But that was before, before all these took place. But even so, I don't know why I'm still trying to train up. Maybe it's because I had friends to go gym with me or maybe it's because I'm just doing it for the sake of it? I really don't know actually. Ever felt like doing something because you felt like doing it? Ever felt like you just want to follow your intuition just so you would get by. Perhaps, this is one of those times. After that decided to be healthy and ate Subway. I tried Italian BMT. I guess it's not bad. Along with cookies. Haha, I'm like some subway double chocolate cookie addict! Went LAN at Chambers after that. Here comes the taji zui zui gang! Because every single time we go to chambers, we'll have problems with our comps and therefore the cashier (who is by the way only 2 different people) always have to settle for us :x At first, we went in Ajisen Ramen for dinner. But realised we could have gone JustAsia instead, because it would probably be cheaper eating there. So, 1,2,3 chiong arhh!! And we just ran out without the knowledge of the staff. And who could forget, " I need to go to the toilet"? Epic randomness with the guessing of the mystery of the seagull meat.

Tuesday.
Went to school to attempt to pack up for seniors' night. But apparently loan form was lost. And general sentiments from the teachers who were in school that day was "You should wait for everyone to come back to pack, work as a team!" and along the lines of not being fair if it's just the three of us. But the problem was not merely that, but also accounting for every single item, and since inventory wasn't updated, we had no way to backtrack anything. So ends up attempting to do Maths homework but failing. Ended up in Macs.

Wednesday.
Slept/slacked at home.

Thrusday.
Went Daniel's house to play mahjong. 32 whole rounds. Sometimes, I really think life is like 32 rounds of mahjong. Like everytime, you have to find the right moves to make and each step you take affects what you do next. As a matter of luck, it does help, but not always. But most importantly, you have to pay attention to what's going on, if not you wouldn't even know it when you lose it heavily. It was rather fun, watching them doing all the retarded hand signals to help each other get the right tiles. Wen Jun, I've never seen any other person did the shaking your head thing except in cartoons. Animated ttm. And how can we forget that we saw someone familiar, or not. Of course, who could have forget the *YOOHOO* + stalking outside Kah Wee's house. After that I went on the bus and I saw Xingya! Haha, but sadly it's only 3 bus stops left when she got up. So we talked for a bit and of course I hope she's doing well.. Still remember the times on 33 and eating at places along the route of 33 :x Those days were much more carefree, much less intensive than what it is now. Sometimes, you see friends and you wonder how are they doing, but because time has lighten your friendships, it makes the distance between friends not just the mere physical distance already. It's more of the distance that time placed. If you don't take efforts to renew friendships, of course, they die off.

Friday.
Epic trying to make up your mind where to eat/ go early in the morning since 9am till 12 noon. Keep moving boys! So we decided to go PS. I managed to catch the shuttle bus. But as I sat there, I was sitting my usual way of half sitting on the seat and leaving my legs half hanging. I realised I missed out something when the same thing happened before. Moreover, as i thought back about things, I realised if I could turn back time, I would have taken the initiative to maybe move closer. Maybe then, I was dull enough to not realise it, not notice it. But now that I think of it, I really made a lot of stupid mistakes that would have produced a better outcome if I actually did do something. Well, sometimes chance is only given once and that's it. But all these while, I've blew up all my chances ever since I couldn't even remember. Maybe it's just fated that I'd be alone. Anyway, back to the point, had lunch at Swensens because they were having some promotion. I want the M-E-N-U. Hahaha, I don't think anyone would get it except Wen Qiang and Daniel. And of course B-I-L-L. After that LAN at the LAN beside chambers. After I came out from there, I was pretty deaf with slight ringing sound from my ears. I think I'm going deaf. Not like anyone gonna care. Family dinner at Zhou's Kitchen. Pretty normal food but the desert was exotic. (:

We should have another 32 rounds next week but that's if everyone's free.

Labels: Friends, Holidays, Love, Time

Sometimes I really think people are like passing clouds. They get blown by wind and somehow come into your piece of sky. Affecting you in many ways. Sometimes, blocking the sun for you, sometimes, pouring down on you, sometimes just there in the sky and you know you can look to them whenever, wherever. But there are times when clouds aren't just clouds, they turn into rain pouring down on you. That's when they make you sick, make you feel like all hope's gone, like there'd never be another day with sunshine. Truly, after the rain, there might be a rainbow. But how many of these rainbows actually come true. Just like how beautiful promises are made, they are there just for a moment and it seemed so impossible that it can come true, but it did, just for maybe that few moments. After that, it's gone. And then they turn back into clouds waiting for the next thing to happen. Perhaps, as me, those times when they bring me rainbows and blocking the sun for me are the times i wished it'd never pass, but they are clouds after all, one day they will be gone. Then again, even if you're gone, the clouds will still float and rain will still rain, the sun will still shine, nothing changes.

Labels: Clouds

Do you love me?
Or do you not?
you told me once, but i forgot.
So tell me now, and tell me true, so I can say that I love you.
Of all the guys I’ve ever met, you’re the one, I won’t forget.
And if I die before you do, I go to heaven and wait for you.


From the moment I saw you i knew this was true
So damn beautiful my eyes fixated on you.
I wanted to hug you, hold you so tight,
I wanted to tell you this feels so right.
Now i have a voice, my feelings out loud,
A smile on my face so happy and proud.
A girl with a dream and a dream come true,
A girl who has found the one, the one is you!


When I first saw you I was afraid to meet you,
When I first met you i was afraid to kiss you,
When I first kissed you I was afraid to love you,
and now that i love you i am afraid to loose you.


Love is like a river, or maybe a deep blue sea.
Love flows on forever, always and endlessly.
Love is something special, something you can’t touch or see.
Love is amazing, this thing I feel for you and you for me.


I’m not afraid of death,
I’m not afraid of dying.
I’m not afraid of heartbreak
and I’m not afraid of crying.
The only thing I fear of ever really comming true,
is living this fearless life without you.


You’re the first thing i think of each morning when i rise.
You’re the last thing i think of each night when i close my eyes.
You’re in each thought, i have and every breath i take.
My feelings are growing stronger with every move i make.
I want to prove i love you, but thats the hardest part.
If i tell you a secret, could it lead to a new start?

Camp was tiring and made me wonder about a lot of things. First was an epic fail at first attempt in my life at trying to climb over a gate. Fell with a wound. And it made me think why the hell do I keep trying to climb over (do something) when i keep falling (failing) at. And in the end only ending up with myself in a pile of wounds (hurt) all over myself. And then was the sound course, many times felt like dozzing off since most of the theories were being taught by our seniors. Honestly, someone should stop aiming at me and making things difficult for me. Just by repeating the same stuff over and over again doesn't help hur.

Well at night was the I couldn't stand looking at what was going on and how much i would be of a "ruin the mood" person i would be if I were to remain there. After all, i couldn't bear to see what I'm looking at anyway. Angry? Maybe? Pissed? Maybe? I don't know. After all, who am I to well even tell you to do anything. Well, not like anyone realised. So I went to the bleachers to have some time just looking out at the stars and wondering how little I could do as a mere me. And then staring out at this.

Like it was never before. Because the colourful lights were gone. Like now, everything's gone...

I don't know what the hell I was thinking trying to sit there alone. But well, the night somehow got thru with insomnia kicking in and draining thoughts going thru my mind. I don't know why, intense feelings always hit me and pushed me to the extremes. And i don't know what you're trying to do all along.

Fun-o-rama set up was okay. With the same old thing, can't bear to see what i'm looking at again.. And not like I can do anything. And i don't know what the hell I was thinking running around the track when I was half dead. Yeah whatever, not like I matter in your life anymore. Well, are there anything worse than death? If you don't even fear death, then what else do you have to fear? Losing something that was never yours to begin with?

That was the two days at camp, wishing I weren't there.

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Camp apart. Wednesday was spent pooling at K-Pool. Failing at trying to score the black ball in twice WJ. You rocked ;x And we should totally played by the number of games instead of going by like hours. And he poked me in the eye with the cue stick.. I almost turned blind hur? The chalk or whatever didn't get into my eyes hur I hope.. Double dose of Macs was definitely unhealthy and we should never do it again. Maybe try Subway, healthier choice, but still, double chocolate cookies, fattening eh.

We saw this Lego thing at ION. It was supposed to be a consolidated effort for fundraising. Every Lego block is $2. So that's the amount actually.



---

Thrusday was spent Munchkin-ing at Kwee's house. And failed five-people bridge along with Asshole Taidi. Seriously neutral ftw. And looks like being the most peaceful guy on earth for Munchkin does help eh, right Wq ;x And we're epic failed at listening out for the rain because we mistook the waterfall as the rain. So ended up staying longer than we expected. After that was dinner at broadway. We should do this again.

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Friday, Wj and Wq came over to my house. Lunch at Redhill market was filled with indecisive "what to eat". So we ended up feasting on much more than what we supposedly think we could have finish. They were the first to step into my house I think? Amongst my friends I guess.. We played Monopoly, Chinese Chess, 3 people Bridge and super Wj-sabotaged Munchkin. Showed them rakion and got Wq to play also. Hmm, yes I know my bed is comfortable. Looking forward to the next time we could meet up. After all, normal school days meant busy schedule and then we gonna be occupied by all the stuff in the world to even bother about each other maybe?

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Sat was spent shopping for Seniors' Night stuff. No, I'm not J2, no, I'm not having my prom. But doing the technical stuff. Set up's gonna be crazy i swear. With just 5+1 people, oh well if Mohd's helping.. Anyway, we never knew how to use the Snake, do we? Well, I guess it's gonna be a fun time exploring huh. Anyway, I looked rather weird in formal clothings, probably because I never wore any in my entire life.. Or maybe I actually did, but I couldn't remember. I guess I'll post a picture or something when I wear it..

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Sun. Went out to eat Swensens@IONS. The one with ice cream buffet. Concluded that unless there's a promotion, it's not worth eating there.. I mean how much ice cream can you eat in that matter of hours.

But really like trying to decorate your own ice cream hmm.


---

Labels: Camp, Days, Failure

Well, sometimes I really don't know what to do without you..

Even though I kept telling myself somethings don't matter.

I'm alive from camp, yay me. Update when i'm free, for now yawns with sleepless night.

And so yesterday, I went out alone, cause no one wants to go out with me cause I want to. Subway cookies addict ftw.

Spent my lunch behind bars.

And staring at this structure

Remembering the times, staring at this...

And this...

And this...

Before staring out into what's left of a sea, shouting out my heart's contents..Before realising i need somewhere to break down.. And so i did.

Before remembering it's Christmas in a month. And it only matters if someone who mattered spent it with you.

Did i mention i♥myphone? If i didn't, maybe it's time i do. Like to someone.

I'm going to smile, yes, for just the next two days.

I'm going away.3D2N. No, not holidays, camp, MRC camp, maybe for the last time.

Labels: Secret

"The saddest kind of sad is the sad that tries not to be sad. You know when sad tries to bite its lip and not cry and smile and say, "No, I'm happy for you"? That's when it's really sad."

I'm trying very hard to be.. You know but i can't help feeling lonely/sad that you're going away. Please try to understand me. I'm a rubber band, there's a limit i can take, i'll snap some day.. You'll never be free for me anyways. I always run off. Even if i do it one more time, it wouldn't make a difference anymore, right?..

Labels: Snap

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